∏ Konoha One Shot Theater ∏
by Yakaji
Summary: Ever wonder about Shino's secret vices? Orochimaru's OTHER nefarious schemes? What a perfectly normal kid like Neji does on a Friday night? Now you can have ALL the answers, on stage tonight at Konoha's very own One Shot Theater!
1. My Name Is

**Title**: My Name Is  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: RAFO (Read and find out)  
**Word Count**: 968  
**Summary**: Konoha has its share of secret societies.  
**Author's Notes**: For those of you that skipped class, a _kunoichi_ is the term for a female ninja, and an _izakaya_ is a type of restaurant where food and alcohol are served in small portions over a long period of time. Kunoichi are cool. Izakaya are cooler.

* * *

Twelve folding chairs sat in a circle, facing inwards. They were the only furniture occupying the small room. A large bank of windows on the south wall filled the room with midmorning sunlight, making motes of dust seem to dance through the air. 

A deadbolt clicked, and a door swung open. Through the door marched a motley collection of people, formed in little knots of two or three. Each cell gave off a muffled chatter of voices. Many of the group wore the olive-green vest of chuunin ninjas. Others wore simple business clothes. Still others were wrapped in fashions as distinctive as the people who wore them. They spread around the circle and eleven of the twelve took chairs.

The twelfth, a woman with long blonde hair, who was wearing something that looked like a green bathrobe over a karate gi, stood in front of the last chair and clapped her hands briskly. The others all fell silent and turned their attention to her.

"Okay, okay. Quiet, all of you. You all know the drill, here. Let me read this stupid.. whatever you call it... Then we'll get started."

The look on the woman's face was peevish, as if she didn't really want to be here. She glanced to her right, where a younger dark-haired woman sat, holding a pig. The younger woman shot her a look, and the speaker sighed heavily. She fished a small notepad from a pocket in her robe and flipped it open with a flick of her wrist. Bringing the notepad closer to her face, she began to read out loud.

"Alcoholic Ninjas Anonymous is a fellowship of shinobi and kunoichi who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.N.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.N.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholic ninjas to achieve sobriety." The speaker glared at the paper for a moment, and then flipped forward a page. She gathered her breath, and delivered the next in a rush. "God-grant-me-the-serenity-to-accept-the-things-I-cannot-change, the-courage-to-change-the-things-I-can, and-the-wisdom-to-know-the-difference."

The speaker twisted her mouth as if she'd swallowed something sour, and turned to the woman next to her again. The younger woman nodded briskly, and the speaker sighed as if a great burden had just been lifted from her shoulders. "Thank GOD, that's over. Well, my name is Tsunade-"

A loud chorus of, "Hi, Tsunade," burst from the circle of seated members. The green-robed woman seemed slightly taken aback, and took a moment to collect herself before continuing. "...Tsunade, and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for three months."

The dark-haired woman shot a glare at Tsunade, and the pig she was holding squealed as her arms constricted involuntarily. "You have NOT. I saw you sneaking a bottle of sake into your office two weeks ago!"

Tsunade turned back toward the younger woman, her expression a mix of anger and anxiety. "That wasn't...! Shizune, I swear..!" A strangled groan came from the older woman, and she tore her eyes away, looking at the rest of the circle again. "Okay, okay. I'm Tsunade an-"

"Hi Tsunade!"

"Aagh! Okay, and I've been sober for two weeks!" She shot another look at Shizune, half ire, half pleading.

Shizune smiled indulgently and motioned for Tsunade to sit down. "Asuma, would you mind taking over for now?"

The scruffy jounin nodded and put his hands on his knees, pushing himself to his feet. "All right, everyone. My name is Asuma-"

"Hi, Asuma!"

"-and I'm an alcoholic. This morning I'd like to have us think about Step Eight: listing the people we've harmed and becoming willing to make amends for what we've done. I know, I feel like I've hurt people. Back a few years ago, I slipped up during a mission. Me an' Gai were supposed to go out to the Wave Country. They were having problems with the Country of Water, and they wanted to send a diplomatic envoy to help smooth out some of those problems. We were supposed to escort him. But the envoy wanted to get to know Gai an' me, so he took us out to an izakaya. We wound up drinking together, and… to make a long story short, we went and did some karaoke and I wound up kicking Gai in the neck at two in the morning 'cause I thought he was some Sound ninja sent to do me in by shattering my eardru..." Asuma's voice faded into a long cough as he looked around the circle anxiously. "Yeah, anyway. Would anyone else like to share?"

Shizune was cradling the pig under one arm, and stabbing a finger violently at Tsunade with her free hand. She shot a look at Asuma that made it very clear what would happen to him if he didn't get Tsunade to talk.

"Tsunade!" Asuma's voice sounded unnaturally cheerful. "You look like there's something you're itching to tell us about! Please, don't let me stop you!" He crashed back into his chair and folded his hands in his lap.

Tsunade stood, reluctantly. "Well, I guess maybe there was a time..."

Shizune's voice was sweet, but with an underlying tone like ringing steel. "Tsunade, what do you say when you stand up at the meeting?"

"I already said it, Shizune." Tsunade sounded a little exasperated.

Shizune asked again, just as sweetly. "What do you say, Tsunade?"

"I TOLD you, Shizune, I already-"

"SAY IT!" The pig squealed in pain.

"MynameisTsunadeandI'manalcoholic!"

"Hi, Tsunade!"

"Aaaaaagh!"

* * *

Look at me! I don't own Naruto! 

Also, I'm going through and changing all the KOST chapters to put a summary at the beginning. Lots of thanks to Celeste1's excellent "Bleach Drabbles" for the format!


	2. A Shopping Trip

**Title**: A Shopping Trip  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: RAFO  
**Word Count**: 734  
**Summary**: Kimono are very pretty.  
**Author's Notes**: A quick Japanese cultural note – a furisode is a long-sleeved kimono traditionally worn by young, unmarried women.

* * *

The store was small, confining. It consisted of one aisle, about four meters in length. On both sides of the aisle, tall stacks of cloth bundles stood arrayed, showing just enough of each to make the patterns discernable. 

He traced his fingers over one of the stacks. No. No. No. He shook his head in irritation. Glancing around, he pinned the shop owner with his gaze. "Hey!"

The owner was an older woman, perhaps in her fifties. She had long black hair, streaked with gray, tied off in a tail. She eyed him askance, but hurried to him down the aisle, from the back room where she had been waiting. "Yes, sir. Can I help you find something?"

He turned his attention back to the stacks in front of him, not bothering to look at the owner. "I'm looking for one in purple and pink. With a shibori pattern, if you have it." He returned to scanning the piles and waited for a response.

The owner thought a moment. He was rude, but she liked her merchandise very much, and the question presented a quick puzzle for her memory. After a few seconds, she slapped her fist into her palm and smiled. "Yes, sir. I think we have just the thing. I take it this is for your gir-"

"Just show it to me," he replied, perfunctorily but without any real hint of anger. He swept his eyes to the owner again and stared so directly that she began to feel uncomfortable.

"Yes, yes, of course. It's over here." The owner led him down the aisle about a meter and a half, and turned toward the stacks opposite the ones he had been searching. She reached in, slipping a hand between two of the bundles and tugging something out. A flash of pink, purple, and crimson unfurled downward, resolving itself into a beautiful furisode. The pink and purple crossfaded into one another, running down the length of the kimono. Tiny shibori knobs across the back and shoulders, the crimson he had seen a moment before, resolved into a stylized rendition of birds in flight.

A small smile played across his lips. "That will do. Now, do you have an obi? Something in... red, I think."

The woman paused a moment again. Choosing an obi was no easy task, finding the right combination of colors and patterns to compliment the kimono it would be worn with. After a few seconds, she nodded and reached into a neighboring stack of cloth. The belt she drew out was thick, with outlines in thread-of-silver that seemed to depict many-petaled flowers. Shades of red, from nearly pink to deep burgundy, filled those silver lines to create a beautiful bouquet.

He nodded decisively, but the owner had a strangely apprehensive look on her face. "These are both very high-quality pieces," she warned. "They aren't cheap."

That same small smile rose to his face, unbidden. "Price is not a problem."

* * *

Naruto sulked down the hallway of the apartment building. The old lady, Tsunade, had found him that morning and told him to get ready for a new mission. Naruto was supposed to round up his teammates and bring them to the Hokage's office at noon sharp. He was an errand boy! Again! Why had he ever helped that Pervert Hermit find her in the first place? 

Naruto came to Sasuke's door and pushed it open, already yelling out his message. "Yo, Sasuke! The old lady's got a mission for us. Hurry up, we're supposed to meet her at..."

As the door swung open, Naruto got a look inside. He stopped, his jaw hanging open, for about five seconds, as words fought, and failed, to make it past his lips.

Finally, he just burst out into a high, braying laugh. "AH! HAH! Crap, Sasuke, what the frick are you WEARING?" Naruto felt like his eyes might come out of his head. "Oh, DAAAANG. Sakura HAS to hear about this!" Spinning on his heel, Naruto dashed back down the hallway as fast as his legs would move. This was classic!

Still in his room, Sasuke was caught in a tangle of fabric, trying to tie the damned obi and failing, for the twelfth time that day. He was trapped, impotent. An animal scream clawed out of his throat and echoed down the hall after the retreating form. "NARUTO! I'm going to KILL YOU!"


	3. The Other Neji

**Title**: The Other Neji  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Neji, and some unexpected guest stars  
**Word Count**: 916  
**Summary**: Neji's not terribly comfortable with what he's about to do.  
**Author's Notes**: This HAD been the first chapter, but I moved it so I could put something funnier at the front. :-p

* * *

Hyuuga Neji padded around the edges of the darkened room, glancing briefly at a window. The night sky outside was clear, and a crescent sliver moon hung just over the horizon. He used his byakugan for a moment to scan the streets around the building. No one seemed to be approaching his current position. Good. The fewer people who knew what he was about tonight, the better.

Walking slowly, Neji passed by a circular table where a group of men sat, talking with one another. This close, they could certainly notice Neji, so rather than rely on stealth, Neji tried to be as unobtrusive as he could. He didn't want to call attention to himself, more than necessary. His own attention was fixed on the one well-lighted part of the room. A woman stood there now, bent over a handful of papers, reading from them. The time would come soon. Neji's target lay just before him. In just a matter of minutes, the woman would move away, back into the shadows of the room, and then Neji would make his move.

One of the men at the nearby table glanced up, and surveyed the room. His eyes roamed freely, until they came to rest on Neji. Still slipping through the shadows at the edge of the room, Neji tried to pretend he hadn't noticed the man's gaze, continuing his slow advance. Then, to his horror, the man whose eyes had begun following him opened his mouth to speak. "Neji, is that you there?"

Neji bit back a curse and turned to regard the speaker. No chance to escape notice now. He would just have to hope this little encounter wouldn't compromise his purpose in being here. Something about the speaker's voice tugged at Neji's memory, but in the faint light of the room it took him a moment to discern the speakers' other features. A long scar cut across the man's face horizontally, running over the bridge of his nose. Recognition struck Neji. Despite the casual clothes the speaker wore, so different from how he was usually dressed, this man had been his teacher once. "Iruka-sensei. I didn't expect anyone to be here tonight. Not ninja, at any rate." Neji spoke in barely more than a whisper.

Iruka bit off a laugh, far too loud for Neji's ears. "Are you kidding? Tonight? Who'd want to miss this?" The academy teacher gave Neji an appraising look, and then a smile. "There are a bunch of us chuunin here tonight, and even a few jounin I think. No one would pass up a chance for open mi-"

"Hyuuga Neji?" The voice came from the next table up. Neji turned to see the masked visage of Hatake Kakashi staring back at him. Kakashi, too, was dressed to blend in rather than to stand out in this place. "Oh, if I'd known you were coming, I would have ordered Naruto and those guys to be here as well." The jounin sounded positively giddy. Neji was sure that mask was concealing an enormous grin. "You should have friends with you! No point doing this alone, kid."

Except alone was exactly how Neji **had** wanted to do this. He had a sudden feeling of anxiety, like how he felt when someone was aiming an attack into his blind spot. Scanning the room again, Neji started paying more attention the faces of the men around him. Quickly, he discovered two more teachers from the Konoha ninja academy and fully six ANBU members who Neji knew only vaguely.

It felt as if a ball of ice had formed in Neji's stomach, a sensation he was unused to. This task had seemed so easy, until he realized just how **exposed** he would be until its completion. The woman ahead still hadn't moved back into the shadows, so Neji tried to take the opportunity to restore his cool demeanor. It took more effort than it should have, but thankfully there were no more interruptions from ninja he knew.

Finally, the woman rolled up her sheaf of papers and stepped back into the darkness. There was some sort of noise, too, but in Neji's anxious state the sound didn't really register in his mind. Neji willed his feet forward. They stuttered for a moment on the wood-panel floor, but soon settled into a swift walk toward the back of the room. His pretense at silence was abandoned now. Neji just wanted this task to be finished. He nearly tripped over something in the darkness, until he realized he had to step up about ten centimeters to reach the area where the woman was standing.

He walked towards her, clinging to his determination, and the woman resolved into Tsunade, the fifth Hokage of Konoha Village. She flashed a small smile (or maybe it was more of a grimace) at Neji, and he felt a sudden, violent urge to run in terror. Fighting for calmness, he continued his advance, maybe moving a little faster now. Tsunade opened her mouth as if to say something….

…And Neji ran right past her, into the spotlight at the front of the stage. He stepped to the microphone and cleared his throat, fishing his own packet of papers from a pocket of his white jacket. "This first poem is called, 'Fighting Destiny'. I hope you enjoy it."

A small chorus of golf claps echoed around the coffee house, and from the direction of Iruka, Kakashi, and the other Konoha ninja, even some cheering.

* * *

I don't own Naruto. No, really. Is that okay with you? 


	4. Progress Reports

**Title**: Progress Reports  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Shikamaru, Tsunade, and a special guest appearance.  
**Word Count**: 1077  
**Summary**: Tsunade regrets having assigned Shikamaru to investigate Orochi's nefarious plans.  
**Author's Notes**: The humor here is a bit... different. Just to warn you, this one's not quite like the others. Also, I never promised these were gonna be drabbles, but I doubt any of them will ever clear 2000 words.

* * *

Tsunade steepled her fingers and stared across her darkened office at the young chuunin. Her eyes held a glint of impatience.

"I've been thinking about the attack on Konoha, Hokage-sama. The one during the chuunin exams. Why did the Sound ninja strike the targets they did? What was their objective?" Shikamaru fiddled with a large contraption in the center of the room, and suddenly it flared to life, projecting a bright map of Konoha Village on the white wall behind him.

"I thought their objective was obvious, Shikamaru." Tsunade barely managed to keep the irritation out of her voice.

_This is so troublesome... Why am I even bothering to go through with this._ Shikamaru sighed and continued. "Here, you can see where the Sound ninja attacked first." He clicked a button on a small handheld device, and red 'X'es appeared around the map, marking the locations. "If you'll notice, all the attack sites are no more than a building away from pet stores." Another button clicked, and green squares surrounded all the pet stores in Konoha. There were many more green squares than red 'X'es, however.

"You have to be kidding me..." Tsunade murmured under her breath.

"Now, clearly, there are many more pet stores than there are attacks," Shikamaru intoned apathetically. "But if we cross-reference the inventories of the pet stores for baby porcupines..." He clicked another button, and about a third of the green squares turned blue. Each of the 'X'es was very close to a blue square.

"Shikamaru..." Tsunade's voice carried the hint of a threat. "Do you really expect me to believe that Orochimaru was attacking us because of baby porcupines?"

Shikamaru sighed. The Hokage wasn't going to buy it. These briefings were such a bother. Why did Tsunade want him to look into Orochimaru's activities if she wasn't going to listen to what he came up with anyway? "Yeah, I know, it sounds far-fetched. But there are just too many coincidences. The Sound ninja attacked just after prime porcupine birthing season. We also found chocolate bars on some of the ninja we captured. It's well-known that chocolate causes porcupines to enter a more focused and active mental state. And I've been hearing rumors..."

Tsunade couldn't take it any more. This was just too much. "Shikamaru, when I asked you to look into Orochimaru's activities, I did it because I was told you could see patterns no one else saw. I did it because I was told you were an excellent strategist, and could detect plans in their earliest stages." She grabbed an inkwell off her desk and hurled it at the Chuunin's head. "I did NOT do it because I wanted you to come to me at three in the morning and lecture me about the rediscovery of lost genjustu, or failing banana crops in the Wave Country, or BABY PORCUPINES!" She was on her feet now, and gripping the edge of her desk as hard as she could to keep herself from throwing anything else.

Shikamaru shoved his hands in his pockets. "Chh. Fine. Then I don't suppose you care about the number of people in the Country of Grass with a violent allergy to porcupines. And since you're a medical ninja, I shouldn't have to remind you about all the different effects porcupine quills can have on the human body. So I guess I'll just be going. If I come up with anything else, I'll be sure to let you know, Hokage-sama." There was more than a hint of sarcasm in the chuunin's voice.

"Just get OUT! I'm going back to sleep. If you EVER wake me up again for something like this, Shikamaru…." Tsunade looked too furious to find words for all the unpleasant things she planned to do to him. "SHIZUNE! Help Shikamaru pack up his equipment and LEAVE!"

Tsunade's assistant, who had been leaning against the wall, snorted awake and mumbled something in response. Without even looking at Shikamaru, she unplugged the cables of his projector and wheeled it out of the office.

Shikamaru hung his head and slouched out into the hallway. Shizune returned to the office and closed the door.

A moment later, Tsunade swung the door open again, just so she could slam it as loudly as possible, for effect. Shikamaru felt some plaster dust fall into his hair. Was it really structurally safe for her to be doing that?

"Ahh, it's not my problem anyway. This Hokage is just more trouble than she's worth…." Dejectedly, Shikamaru slumped back toward his apartment, already thinking of new plans Orochimaru's sound ninja might be preparing.

* * *

Orochimaru yawned disinterestedly as Kabuto droned through the daily progress report on the various plans the Sound ninja were carrying forward. 

"The effort to subvert the economy of the Wave Country by ruining their banana crop for the year, their chief export, seems to have gone awry. The local citizens have shifted toward harvesting coconuts, which are in abundant supply on the islands of Wave, but which have never really been brought to market as an export product before. Unfortunately, this new effort seems to be going well for the Wave citizens, and it's likely their economy will only be stronger next year, when the banana crop returns."

Yech. Coconut. Orochimaru hated coconut. "Is there any word of the porcupines yet, Kabuto?" Orochimaru's voice had its usual soft, hissing sound. Honestly, he was getting fed up with that sound. It grated on his ears, and he was ALWAYS having to listen to it. Maybe Kabuto could find some way to use those spoiled bananas as a vocal treatment? Oh, or maybe those darned coconuts! So much better if they were USEFUL for something!

"Ah, yes, the porcupines." Kabuto readjusted his glasses and smiled. "Word from our researchers is that the secret porcupine army is almost ready. We have been using our chocolate reserves to make them more… amenable… to training. Our chocolate reserves are becoming low, however, what with the porcupines and the 'Better-tasting-coffee' project. I've ordered a squad of chuunin to raid into the Wind Country and bring us some more."

Ohh, good. Wind Country chocolate was the best. Orochimaru cackled in anticipation. "And the invasion of the Country of Grass?"

"As soon as the porcupines are ready, Orochimaru-sama, we should be able to conquer the whole nation. Then we won't have any more trouble finding that shampoo you like."

"Excellent. Let me know if there are any developments, Kabuto."

* * *

I've recently acquired a controlling interest the AOL Time Warner, but they don't own Naruto, so it really doesn't change the situation inre this fanfic. 


	5. Italian

**Title**: Italian  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Tenten, Neji, and another surprise  
**Word Count**: 701  
**Summary**: Neji just wants to get some Italian.  
**Author's Notes**: N/A

* * *

Tenten pushed the restaurant door open with her foot, and poked her head inside. Most of the tables were full. More importantly, there weren't any harboring a lone figure. It looked clear. She sighed in relief. She'd come fifteen minutes early, just to be sure. She was nervous about going on a date as it was. She didn't want to think about how much worse it would be if she came LATE. 

Walking to the counter, Tenten told her name to the hostess. The woman smiled and jotted a few words on her clipboard. "Oh, yes, we received a call about half an hour ago, to be expecting someone. We'll have your table ready at seven o'clock sharp." She gave Tenten a wink that made her cheeks flush. The hostess motioned toward a row of chairs that sat alongside the wall, facing in toward the restaurant. "Just sit down over there for a little while and we'll call you."

Tenten took a seat on the end, so she sat in a corner. She grabbed a menu, but instead of reading it, she began fanning herself. She felt feverish, and she knew she was sweating. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to eat anything anyway, with her stomach doing somersaults like she had just come off a roller-coaster.

A bell rang as the restaurant door swung open. Tenten turned her head to see who was coming in, and...

"Neji? What are you doing here?" A wide, relieved grin split her face as she motioned him over. Neji decorously held up a finger, indicating that she should wait, and went to give his name to the hostess. By the time he sat down beside her, Tenten was almost bouncing on her chair with relief. Waiting would be so much easier with a friend here. Finding a way OUT, if this date went south, would be so much easier. Thank god!

Neji turned to her, wearing a small smile. He was always so much more relaxed with her when they weren't in the middle of a mission. "I really like this place. I thought you knew that, Tenten? I come here every Friday night. They have excellent pasta. What about you?"

A thin wail escaped from Tenten's throat. "I'm meeting someone! My date just.. hasn't arrived yet." Anxiety mingled with relief in her voice. The longer she could delay the inevitable...

Her friend smiled again. "I'm happy for you. I'll admit, I didn't think you and Kiba were the best match, but..." Neji's voice trailed off as Tenten hung her head.

"I... we... I broke up with Kiba a month ago. You were right. The only thing HE cares about is that stupid dog." Tenten tried to keep the bitterness she felt from reflecting in her tone.

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Well, hopefully your new date will be a better match." Neji didn't pry any further. He knew she would tell him when she felt like it. Neji was always a perfect gentleman.

Tenten was too ashamed to admit the truth, though. She had signed up for one of those mail-dating services, just after her break-up with Kiba. She had been hurt too much. She just wanted someone to talk to, someone she could share her feelings with. The mail-dating service had matched her with a boy about her own age, and they had been trading letters back and forth for about three weeks. He seemed wonderful, almost too good to be true from the letters. But tonight was the first night she would actually see him in person. "I hope so too," she mumbled weakly. They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither of them willing to broach the subject again.

Finally, Neji glanced at his watch and stood, giving Tenten a small nod. "Well, it's seven. They should have my usual table prepared by now. I hope your date goes well, Tenten. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

The hostess took up her clipboard and looked at them. Both of them. "Hyuuga Neji, party of two?"

Tenten and Neji spun toward each other at the same time, their voices twin echos. "You DIDN'T!"

* * *

Every time I tell you people I don't own Naruto, it takes away time I could be writing stories. Take the hint already. 


	6. Cross Over

**Title**: Cross-Over  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Shino and a bunch of distractions.  
**Word Count**: 1095  
**Summary**: Shino's got his day all planned in advance.  
**Author's Notes**: I'd wanted to write this one for quite a while.

* * *

Aburame Shino had been waiting almost two years for this day, and nothing was going to ruin it. He woke up early, five o'clock, and made a breakfast of bacon and eggs, just to put himself in the right mood. He spent over two hours showering and getting his look just right. At nine-thirty sharp, he left his apartment and made his way down toward the center of Konoha. He would be there when the doors opened. He would be first.

Shino had never done anything quite like this before, and he felt cold terror creeping into his bones at who might see him. He was so used to his usual high-necked gray coat that he felt positively naked with his face uncovered. The longsleeved black garment that took his coat's place just couldn't provide him with the anonymity he desired. He tried to look casual as he surveyed the street, watching out for familiar faces.

"Yo! Bug dude! What'cha doin?"

Suppressing the urge to jump, Shino looked up to see Uzumaki Naruto, clad all in his usual orange, standing horizontally halfway up the face of a three-story building. Naruto leapt down and landed in a squat in front of Shino, blocking the way forward.

"That's a funky outfit. Something special goin' on today? You have a DATE or somethin'?" Naruto pried.

"No," Shino said flatly.

Naruto leaned forward, his face just inches from Shino's, and tapped at his forehead with one finger. "Hey, Bug Dude, what's up with this... You got some sorta funny li..." Naruto frowned, and his finger began rubbing back and forth, trying to dig into Shino's skull. As if Shino wasn't already self-conscious enough. "You should probably get rid of-"

Bugs swarmed up and engulfed Naruto's hand. "I suppose so," he replied impatiently.

Naruto danced backwards, waving his arm and trying to get the bugs to leave him alone. "Hey! Bug Dude! What the heck was that for?" Shino didn't hear. He was already ten meters down the street from the commotion. No one was going to ruin today for him. He continued unmolested, and a swell of joy filled him with each step toward his goal.

Just before the building that was his target, Shino pulled up short. _Oh no._ _Kiba. _Standing right out in front, too.

Shino's teammate was still facing the other way, thankfully. Shino edged toward an alley and slipped down it, hoping he could find a way in through the back. Then, a high yapping sound caught his attention, and he looked down to see Akamaru standing at his shin, barking up at him. Shino narrowed his eyes and considered enveloping the dog in a ball of bugs, at least for as long as it would take him to accomplish his mission.

"Oi! Shino? Is that you?" Kiba's voice came from the mouth of the alley. Shino cursed himself for not acting sooner. He turned to face his teammate - no way to avoid it now - and tugged at his clothes nervously as Kiba approached.

"What are you wearing, man?" There was a hint of laughter in Kiba's voice. "I've never seen you in anything other than those grey coats Kurenai-sensei gave us. Not since we got out of the academy, anyway. You thinkin' of changing up your wardrobe?"

"No," Shino responded coolly.

"Your glasses too," Kiba continued. "Never seen you wear regular glasses. Always those sunglasses... and these things look kinda beat up, y'know." He sounded like he was just musing to himself now, and Shino let him continue, hoping Kiba would move on soon. He did, thankfully. "Anyway, Hinata and I were gonna go do some training after lunch. You wanna come? It'd be a big help."

"I suppose so." Shino knew he sounded unhappy, but he couldn't help it. He'd had very different plans in mind for today, but he couldn't ignore his duties to his team. As much as he wanted to, today of all days. Well, the morning still wasn't a total loss. He could still get what he came for, and neither Naruto nor Kiba seemed to have recognized what he-

"Ohhh, I get it now!" Kiba clapped his hands together and grinned. "I never would have guessed you were into that kind of thing, Shino. Well, don't let me stop you!" Kiba began pushing Shino out of the alley and back toward the front of the building. "Don't worry about the training today. We'll get along fine without you. Bet you've been looking forward to this for a while!"

Embarrassment mixed with happiness in Shino, though none of it reached his face. So Kiba HAD figured it out. Shino knew he'd tell Hinata, and Kurenai-sensei, but hopefully not anyone else. Hopefully not Tenten, anyway; if she found out, he didn't know what he'd do. He'd still get to do what he'd wanted with the rest of today, though. Things weren't going exactly as Shino had planned, but it looked like they could still be salvaged, if he was lucky.

Kiba pushed him all the way to the door, even though Shino was walking perfectly well on his own, and gave him a last pat on the back before walking off down the street. Shino, for his part, adjusted his striped red-and-yellow tie as if squaring himself for battle.

His heart fell the moment he entered the building. It had, indeed, just opened. There were displays set out on tables all around the room; displays that hadn't been there before. But in front of those displays... nothing. Nothing at all. How could there be nothing? The whole room should have been filled nearly to the ceiling!

"Oh... I'm sorry, Shino. It was a big event, so we opened the store at midnight." Tenten's voice was comforting, coming up behind him, but the very fact that it was HER voice made him want to jump. When had SHE started working here? Why did SHE have to be here of all people? "We sold out in the first hour... Didn't anyone tell you about it?"

"No," he answered hollowly. He clung to some small hope that perhaps she wouldn't recognize the clothing, perhaps he could escape with at least that much of his dignity.

"Well, I guess you could go ask Gai-sensei. He bought twelve copies himself. I don't know what he's planning to -do- with all of them..." Tenten's face took on a worried look.

"I suppose so."

"Oh, Shino; nice costume by the way. You really do look just like Harry Potter."

Aburame Shino cried tears of shame.

* * *

Actually, I do own Naruto. But don't tell anyone, okay? 


	7. The Animal Song

**Title**: The Animal Song  
**Rating**: PG-13 for slightly suggestive themes  
**Characters**: Kiba and Akamaru  
**Word Count**: 1080  
**Summary**: Kiba really likes his new iPod.  
**Author's Notes**: The song just seemed so fitting.

* * *

"When superstars and cannonballs are hmm-hm hmm yer head. And television freak show da da dada dadada."

Inuzuka Kiba loved his iPod. He'd been saving his money for the last three month, squirreling away every coin he could spare after getting paid for his missions. And finally, finally, he'd gotten together enough money! Over the weekend, he'd gone to Konoha Electronics Depot and picked out a brand new shiny white iPod. He would have preferred gray, something to match his coat, but really, it wasn't THAT important.

"Subway makes me nervous, people pushin' me too far. Mmm gotta break away do da da da do-oo!"

He'd spent all day Sunday downloading music onto his beautiful white treasure. He had all his favorite bands in there now. The Tokens, Guns N'Roses, The Beach Boys. And, of course, Savage Garden. He couldn't LIVE without Savage Garden. And now, thanks to his iPod, Kiba could listen to them ANYWHERE!

Like today, when he was out looking for Akamaru.

"Hey! Akamaru! Where'd you go? Don't you wanna do some training with me?" Kiba shouted as loud as he could, but the forest seemed to swallow his voice. He shoved his hands in his pockets and resumed humming along with the song.

This was completely unlike Akamaru. Ninja dogs simply did not behave like this. Akamaru knew he and Kiba were partners. Usually, the two of them were inseparable. But Akamaru had been acting funny for the last few days, and Kiba couldn't explain it. Akamaru would look at Kiba with his big, puppy-dog eyes and his floppy ears, and give a little whine. He'd hop around, bark, sometimes even retreat to a corner of the apartment they shared, cover his head with his paws, and just lie there. Kiba didn't understand. Akamaru had never acted like this before. Kiba tried asking what was wrong a number of times, but Akamaru wouldn't tell him. So in the end, Kiba always just went back to listening to his precious, snow-white music player.

When Kiba woke up this morning, though, Akamaru had just been gone. Kiba had never been angry with his partner before, but it was already midafternoon and he was starting to feel a bit on edge. What was wrong with Akamaru?

In the morning, he'd gone over to his aunt's house. That's where his mother usually stayed, anyway, and he figured he could find them both there. Sure enough, his aunt was just sitting down to breakfast while his mother was in the kitchen (wearing a black leather apron of all things!) frying eggs and bacon. He'd stormed in, looking for advice. THEY had given him Akamaru after all. For some reason the two women blushed and seemed taken aback for a moment, but after a minute his mother had come over to the table and invited him to sit down. The three of them had talked about Akamaru's disappearance for nearly half an hour. Still, they hadn't had anything useful to tell him. Kiba had kept trying to ask questions, but the two women would only tell him that he should just go look for Akamaru himself. They had practically shoved him out the door, and he had heard the deadbolt clack home after he left, which seemed strange, but his mother and his aunt were always a bit strange. Sometimes, Kiba wondered what had ever happened to his father.

Anyway, Kiba had taken their advice. He'd started looking for Akamaru himself. They had been together long enough that Kiba was now able to follow Akamaru's scent, at least to the edge of this forest. So he was sure Akamaru must be here somewhere, but whenever he called, the darn dog didn't answer. He must have covered every square meter of this forest twice over by now.

The chorus of the song caught Kiba's attention and he found himself singing along again. "Cause I wanna live like animals... Careless and free, like a-hmm-hmm. I want to liiive, wanna walk through the jungle, da da wind in my hair and the sand at my fe-e-e-et!"

As the chorus faded, Kiba's sensitive ears caught the faint sound of barking off to his left. He smiled. Finally! That lousy dog... He could have spent today putting more music on his iPod. If only Akamaru hadn't taken it into his stupid head to run away.

Kiba sprinted toward the sound, but just as he emerged into a clearing, Akamaru's barking died. Grrrrr... What NOW? "AKAMARU! Where the heck are you, you stupid dog? Come back here! What do you want, anyway? Do you wanna go train some more? Are you hungry? What's wrong?"

In the corner of his eye, Kiba caught sight of a white blur, moving incredibly fast. He turned toward it, and felt an impact like a fist slamming into his diaphragm. Then, there was a tearing noise, and Kiba found himself sitting on the ground.

Two meters away, Akamaru was standing with his legs half-bent, like he was ready to attack. Kiba could see something in his mouth. Absently, he reached down and patted at his coat pocket. No! Kiba's eyes widened in shock and he took another look at what Akamaru was holding in his mouth. There was a scrap of gray cloth from the coat, and under the cloth, Kiba's new iPod!

The music was gone now, too. Akamaru's attack had ripped the plug earphones out of Kiba's ears. The world suddenly sounded so much louder. There was just so much NOISE now.

"Hey, Akamaru, whatzamatter, boy?" Kiba stretched a hand toward his partner, and was surprised to see that it was shaking. "It's okay. Do you wanna play? We could go pick on Shino. You always like that. We could... I dunno, we could steal some of his Harry Potter toys and bury 'em in a hole? Doesn't that sound fun? C'mon, Akamaru... Please? Can I have my iPod back?"

Akamaru shook his head fiercely, and fixed Kiba with an angry stare. Kiba's sensitive ears could just pick up the last lines of the song, drifting out of the earphones strewn on the ground. "Compassion in the jungle; compassion in your hands, yeah yeah..." Akamaru clenched his jaws with uncommon power, and suddenly raw static spewed from the earphones. Sparks crackled around the ruined mass in Akamaru's mouth, but the dog didn't seem to care.

Kiba's fist tightened convulsively, and an ear-grating scream was ripped from his throat. "Nooooooo! My iPod!"

* * *

I own an iPod, but I don't own the company with the right to MAKE iPods (Apple). I own some Savage Garden CDs, but similarly don't own the rights to their songs. Also, I bought the most awesome Jiraiya wig ever today, but that doesn't change the fact that I still don't own Naruto. 

I might own Icha-Icha Paradise now, though, I guess...


	8. Doujinshi

**Title**: Doujinshi  
**Rating**: PG-13 for... well... you'll see.  
**Characters**: Hinata, Naruto, and a couple boys from Gundam Wing... sort of.  
**Word Count**: 986  
**Summary**: Hinata's got a hobby.  
**Author's Notes**: You KNOW she does this. Admit it.

* * *

Hyuuga Hinata loved to draw. She also loved comics. 

So it stood to reason that Hyuuga Hinata loved to draw comics.

She liked to take characters from comics she enjoyed reading, and tell her own stories with them. She had drawn lots of comics like that. She had a stack of them in her closet. Her favorites were probably her Gundam Wing comics. The boys in Gundam Wing were just so pretty. She loved drawing them. A hint of red crept into her cheeks thinking about them. Gundam Wing had a very good story behind it too. Really, she liked the story a lot. And the pretty boys.

Making comics had been very hard, at first. There were so many little tricks you had to learn. First of all, you had to know what story you wanted to tell. Then, you had to plan how to tell that story in pictures. Then you had to sketch out pages for your comic, so you knew how much space to use for each part of your story. Only after you'd done all that could you finally start drawing the pretty boys. And that was a lot of work in itself. Hinata didn't know very much about boys, so she had bought a bunch of drawing books to help her learn more. Again, a hint of a blush touched her cheeks as she thought about all those drawing books. There were other problems too, like adding convincing details toeach panel, shading, transferring backgrounds into the comic panels, and finally printing the whole thing and binding it to look nice. But really, after she was done drawing the pretty boys, the rest seemed to go in a flash for Hinata.

Hinata had been making her own comics for a few years now, and she felt like she was getting pretty good at it. She had even started printing a few copies, so she could try selling them. Online, of course. She wouldn't sell them to anyone in Konoha. That would be just TOO embarrassing. But she wanted to be able to show her work to other people. The comics seemed to sell pretty well online, too. Hinata thought she would probably have to start making even more copies in the future. She smiled to herself.

Today, she was working on her computer, printing the first copies of her latest comic. It was another Gundam Wing story. This one focused on Quatre and Wu-Fei. A lot of her comics focused on Quatre and Wu-Fei. Of all the pretty boys in Gundam Wing, Hinata thought they were the prettiest. The story started when Quatre became lost in the woods. Hinata wasn't sure which woods, but it didn't really matter. In the comic, the other pretty boys started worrying about Quatre, and eventually Wu-Fei agreed to go look for him. Wu-Fei searched all over the woods, and finally found Quatre being threatened at gunpoint by an angry soldier. Wu-Fei knocked the soldier unconscious, and Quatre, so happy to be rescued, leapt on Wu-Fei and began to-

"Hey, Hinata! What'cha got there?"

Hinata recognized the voice, and turned her head slowly, fearfully, toward her window. Where Uzumaki Naruto stood in a crouch, staring at her.

"Na.. Na... Naruto! Ca-ca-can I d-d-do something for you?" Hinata darted in front of the stack of the copies she'd finished printing and assembling, her cheeks turning bright red.

Naruto hopped down from the windowsill and, ignoring Hinata's mumbled protests, went straight for the stack of comics. "Hey! Are those Gundam Wing comics, Hinata? I LOOOVE Gundam Wing!" Naruto proceeded to make some strange whooshing noises, while holding his arms out to either side and running around the room. He came to a stop beside Hinata,raised one arm straight ahead, and proceeded to imitate a machine gun firing at her. When he was done, he looked back at the comics again. "Did you DRAW these, Hinata? That's so awesome! Lemme see!"

Hinata tried to protest, but no matter how hard she tried, the words got stuck in her throat. She could feel her whole body turning bright red.

Naruto grabbed a comic, ignoring her, and plopped down in a soft bean-bag chair Hinata often liked to use. She would have blushed more, if it had been possible. As it was, she simply remained in her already-crimson state.

"Yeah, Hinata, this is really good!" Naruto was paging through it now. He stopped for a moment, about a third of the way in, and gave a closer look to the pictures. "But y'know... Quatre looks kinda like me, a little, I think... I don't remember Quatre having whiskers before..." He turned a few more pages, scanning the text now. "Wu-Fei too. Don'cha think he looks kinda like Sasuke here? I dunno..." Naruto held up the comic so Hinata could see the page. She was frozen to the spot now. She couldn't do or say anything. After a moment, Naruto went back to reading the comic.

"Oh, HEY! There's gonna be a fight! There's some stupid soldier now! YES!" A wide grin split Naruto's face as he read on.

Hinata fought as hard as she could to say something, and slowly, slowly, she could feel her voice returning. "Um.. Naruto-kun... Um.. Umm... I think maybe..." Naruto was still paging through, and the grin was slipping slowly from his face, replaced by an unreadable expression. "Maybe... Naruto-kun.. maybe you shouldn't read... shouldn't... not anymore... I dunno if you'd really like..." She was fumbling with the hem of her jacket now, her eyes turned to the floor. Maybe he'd stopped. She couldn't bear to look anymore. Maybe he'd stopped reading and it'd all be okay. Yes. It'd all be okay. Naruto would stop. He would never read her things without her permission. Naruto was such a nice boy. Such a pretty boy.

"OH MY GOD, HINATA! WHAT THE F#CK AM I DOING TO SASUKE?"

* * *

I don't own Naruto. Neither does Hyuuga Hinata. Think of this as a good thing. 


	9. Original Character

**Title**: Original Character  
**Rating**: PG-13 for sheer sappiness.  
**Characters**: Shikamaru x OC  
**Word Count**: 687  
**Summary**: We all need somebody to love.  
**Author's Notes**: Seriously, who didn't see this coming?

* * *

Shikamaru was in love.

Of course, if you asked him right out, he would never admit it. Shikamaru had his image to think of, too. And girls were too much trouble, too much trouble by half, for Shikamaru the Chuunin, Shikamaru the Master Strategist, Shikamaru the Boy Genius of Konoha.

But for Shikamaru the Romantic, Shikamaru the Besotted, the world was a very different place.

Temari was probably a little upset with him. They had been dating, briefly. But really, she WAS too much trouble. Shikamaru had been attracted to her, but their relationship always seemed to lack a certain emotional intimacy. A willingness to share, to be open with one another. Not so with his new crush. She talked to him all the time, and Shikamaru always felt content to just listen to the sound of her beautiful voice. She was so interesting. Shikamaru could never help but feel that conversations with her were the deepest, the most meaningful conversations he had ever had. She was amazing.

Shikamaru had never noticed her until about a month ago. She was a new Genin, fresh out of the academy. Even so, she was already an amazing ninja, and Shikamaru knew she'd easily make Chuunin at the next exam. On her first day out of the academy, she had challenged Ino to a fight, and she had won so quickly, so easily, that Shikamaru could hardly believe it.

She was cool, too. Impeccably cool. She spent most of her time hanging out with Sasuke, who was widely agreed upon as the coolest genin in Konoha. But to Shikamaru's eyes, even Sasuke seemed to become cooler from spending time with her. Now Kakashi, the fount from which all cool flowed, seemed to have taken an interest in her. He was giving her private lessons. With a good word from him, it looked like she might even be able to enter an ANBU squad before the end of the year. No genin had ever joined an ANBU squad before. But no one had ever quite managed to thaw Shikamaru's heart before either.

Today, though. Today was their special day. Their two-week anniversary. There would be no training today. No Sasuke, no Kakashi, no fights with Ino or Temari. Today was just for the two of them. Shikamaru had planned it all out in his head. Today was going to be perfect.

There was a knock at his door. Shikamaru already knew who it was. Her. He smiled in anticipation as he rose from his bed and crossed the room. "You're finally here," he sighed breathily through the door. "I've been waiting all morning. It's been like an eternity, an endless abyss of darkness and despair without you. You know how I hate waiting for you." Shikamaru carressed the door absently. She was just on the other side now. He twisted the handle and pulled the door open a crack, stepping backwards.

The door banged open with a loud crash, and a girl threw herself into the room. She began jumping up and down, giggling and screaming. She needed to touch everything in the room. Shikamaru sighed happily. He loved her boundless energy, the way she got so excited every time she saw him. He loved that she fondled every piece of his clothing, every book, every precious shoji piece. They all had her scent, now. Everything he owned reminded him of her now, of how he felt about her.

The girl danced in front of him, her eyes as wide as teacups as she ogled him soulfully. She began bouncing, clapping her hands fitfully. She was so beautiful.

"Lyk, zOMG! Shikamaro, ur so awsome!oneone! We should get married and have tons and tons of kids! This is super-hott! LOLZ!"

Grinning, Shikamaru reached out and pulled her into a passionate embrace, kissing her for what seemed like an eternity. When they came up for air, he said the words he'd wanted to say since the moment he met her.

"I can't believe I was lucky enough to meet you. You're the most amazing person I've ever known. I love you, Mary Sue."

* * *

Me no owns Naruto. Me pwns Naruto. r0x0r!1!1!1!eleven 


	10. BEWARE SPOILERS!

SPOILERS!

Beware, there are spoilers for some of the latest Naruto manga chapters in JUMP below. Proceed at your own risk.

**Title**: BEWARE SPOILERS!  
**Rating**: PG-13 for angstiness.  
**Characters**: Sakura x SOMEBODY  
**Word Count**: 830  
**Summary**: We all need somebody to love.  
**Author's Notes**: Seriously, who didn't see this coming?

* * *

Sakura was depressed.

This week bit, hardcore. First Naruto came back, hauling Sasuke's corpse and telling everyone that Jiraiya and Orochimaru had both died in a magnificent fireball of chakra that eliminated most of the Village of Sound. Sakura had felt bad, but seriously, Sasuke had been gone for three years and she was starting to fall for Naruto. She cried, but she could handle it.

Then Tsunade, her mentor, declaring the crisis averted, had quit her job as Hokage and disappeared. Not even Shizune knew where she had gone. That left Sakura feeling even worse, of course. Sure, she could continue her training as a medical ninja, but she had been Tsunade's personal apprentice, and the old hag had just left her hanging in the wind like this. That bitch.

Of course, it only got worse when Naruto told her he'd decided to shack up with Hinata. That was just cold. The two-timer. He got Sakura to like him, and what? He went off and cheated on her with that stupid white-eyed freak! Sakura didn't know what ever possessed her to think Naruto was worthy of her affection. He was a cold, heartless liar. And he had killed her Sasuke. She hated him.

That didn't leave Sakura with a lot of people to turn to. Ino, of course, had been dead for nearly a year now, thanks to that insane incident with Shikamaru and the snakes. Shikamaru was still in the hospital, even after all this time, and with Tsunade having run away, it looked like he might never recover now.

There was Lee, of course. But even though Sakura had tried staying friends with him, it was harder since Lee and Neji had officially come out of the closet and started living together. I mean, she understood, they had been through a lot, fighting Kabuto together. But she just couldn't quite look at Lee the same anymore. Of course Gai-sensei kept going on about the beauty of youth everywhere he went now, louder than ever, and that didn't help matters for Sakura. Every time she managed to push the incident to the back of her mind, there was Gai-sensei. "Sakura! Don't you think it's wonderful, Lee and Neji! The springtime of youth! I'm so happy they're together now! They're such pretty boys!"

Tenten was, needless to say, inconsolable. Which meant she wasn't going to listen to Sakura's problems.

Sakura had tried talking to Kakashi, she really had. But the man wasn't the same since he'd lost his sharingan. He was darker, moodier. Not the playful, supportive Kakashi she had known all those years ago. Talking with him just didn't comfort Sakura anymore. He said he was thinking about rejoining ANBU. Sakura hoped he did. An ANBU mask would cover upthe scarred face he'd gottensaving Naruto from the Akatsuki.

So Sakura was quite depressed when Chouji knocked on the door to her apartment. She wiped the tears from her eyes and let the thin young man inside. The incident with Ino and Shikamaru had changed him, too. He was all determination now, not the slow, pudgy boy everyone had laughed at in school. Ever since the snakes, it seemed like he was trying to live three lives rather than one. He trained every day, harder than anyone in the village. He had mastered Shikamaru's shadow techniques as well as Ino's mind-control. Everyone knew how much he had been in love with Ino, everyone except Ino herself. And he would never have the chance to tell her now. His own face was filled with sadness as he stepped into Sakura's room.

An irresistible force seemed to grip Sakura, and she found herself throwing her arms around him, clinging to him as she sobbed. Her body trembled like a leaf in the wind as Chouji gently lifted her and brought her back to her bed. "Shhhh... Sakura... It's okay. Cry all you need to." He hadn't been expecting this reaction to his arrival. He had just wanted to talk with Sakura about the possibility of forming a new team. So many of the old genin were gone now, and they had to try to carry on. But Chouji knew it must be harder for Sakura than any of the others. With so many of her friends, and so many of the men she had loved dead, gone, or changed beyond recognition... Chouji's losses seemed so small in comparison. He opened his mouth to say something comforting, but before he could get out words, Sakura was kissing him, deeply, passionately.

It was the first time Chouji had ever been kissed, and his eyes widened in surprise as it happened. But gradually, he found himself relaxing into the kiss. Sakura didn't seem to want to stop. Chouji could understand. She had been through so much. She just needed some simple human contact. He pulled her closer and caught her in a tight embrace, tears rolling down his cheeks as he returned her kiss.

* * *

I don't own Naruto. Sometimes I wish I did though. I dream about those wonderful days when all rights to the property would be mine. My fanfics would be publishable as a for-profit enterprise. I would rake in royalties by the bucketful. Everything about the world would be great. If I only had the rights. Let me indulge in a song: 

**_I could while away the hours  
Writin' all about their powers  
And scriptin' classic fights.  
And my head, I'd be scratchin'  
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'  
If I only had the rights._**

_**For every little genin  
I'd find for them an aijin  
To help them pass the nights.  
**__**With the pairings I had wrote, Oh!  
I'd be another Kishimoto,  
If I only had the rights.  
**_


	11. Right Said Fred

**Title**: Right Said Fred  
**Rating**: PG-13 or R 'cause Kat says my Itachi just creeps her out.  
**Characters**: Itachi x(?) Sasuke, Shark-boy  
**Word Count**: 1636  
**Summary**: Itachi has a problem, and Sasuke just isn't helping.  
**Author's Notes**: It's long! But that's no reason for you to suddenly start thinking I own Naruto. I mean, really, I'm just a model for what COULD be happening in the Naruto universe, you know what I mean. My stories do their little turn on the catwalk, you can all see them, etc. etc. That's about it. No ownership involved.

* * *

Uchiha Itachi was too sexy for his shirt. He shook his head sadly. Too sexy for his shirt. So sexy it hurt, really. It was a problem. 

He held the shirt against his bare chest and stared into the mirror. The shirt was a Gianfranco Ferre original, scalloped black satin. It was a nice shirt. Very nice. But it just wasn't sexy enough. Itachi sighed in exasperation. "I don't know, Sasuke... What do you think?"

Itachi turned, posing with the shirt to show it off. He stared at Sasuke, but his younger brother didn't respond, except to grunt around the ball gag filling his mouth.

"Sasuke, if you aren't going to help me, I'm going to have to kill you." Itachi's lips pursed in a pout, but Sasuke's eyes remained coldly indifferent. Muttering under his breath, Itachi used his mangekyou sharingan to make his younger brother experience a full seventy-two hours of brutal, mind-searing torture.

Three seconds later, Itachi slipped his arms into the shirt's sleeves. He worked the jet-black buttons carefully. They were small, and there were far too many of them. The shirt hung off his shoulders and tapered slightly toward his waist. It was very flattering. But as for the sexiness, it was just... lacking. Itachi turned back to the mirror. He twisted his torso. He went through every expression he could think of, from dispassionate aloofness, to minor irritation, to ruthless murderer. But no matter what he did, he couldn't escape the simple truth. Uchiha Itachi was too sexy for his shirt. It was intolerable.

"Come on, Sasuke. We're going shopping."

"Mmmmgh mmh ghmmmmh."

Itachi spun away from the mirror and glided across the room. He began to untie the silk ropes holding Sasuke's splayed body. His younger brother, always a brat, tried to hit Itachi as soon as his arm was free. Hit him! Itachi couldn't believe Sasuke would actually try to damage his beautiful face. Itachi's sharingan melted into the three-bladed pinwheel he had worked so hard for, the incomparably magnificent mangekyou. Sasuke endured another seventy-two hours of brutal, mind-searing torture.

Three seconds later, Sasuke was whimpering around his gag, but thankfully he'd stopped trying to damage Itachi's gorgeous face. Sasuke could be such a brat sometimes. Itachi finished unbinding him, and while Sasuke was still recovering, took the opportunity to put him in a set of matching hand-and-ankle cuffs that would let him move around, but prevent him from running away or trying to attack Itachi again. The restraints were made of high-grade steel and exquisitely etched with the Akatsuki flame pattern. Itachi was very fond of them. They were something special. He'd had them made just for Sasuke.

Itachi marched Sasuke out of the apartment and onto the street, where his Lamborghini was waiting, and found himself biting back another sigh. His candy-apple red Lamborghini Murciélago 6.2 was a sight to behold, with its streamlined body and heavy scissor doors. But Itachi just couldn't escape the nagging feeling that he was too sexy for his car.

Itachi dragged Sasuke toward the passenger door and, lifting it, threw him unceremoniously onto the seat. Itachi sashayed back to the driver's side and slipped into his own seat. He pressed a small button on the dashboard, and the doors scissored closed on hydraulic pistons. Itachi reached over his shoulder, grabbing his seatbelt and securing it in the buckle at his side. He glanced at Sasuke. The boy was coming around again, and looked like he might try to put up a fight if he wasn't restrained more properly. Sasuke's seatbelt was just out of reach, so Itachi produced some piano wire from his pocket and lashed his brother to the seat, wrapping the thin steel filament around him tightly. The wire bit into the chair's leather, but Itachi didn't worry overmuch. He could replace the seat if he needed to. And the fact still remained that he was too sexy for his car. Too sexy by far.

Itachi turned his key in the ignition, and the Lamborghini roared to life around him. He looked over his shoulder to make sure no one was coming, and then peeled out onto the road. The sensation of speed overwhelmed him. Itachi took a moment to look at his brother. Even Sasuke, usually so dour, seemed lulled by the car's movement. Itachi nearly smiled, until he thought better of it.

Careening into the parking lot of a large, upscale shopping complex five minutes later, Itachi poached a space near one of the entrances. He unbound Sasuke, again, and opened the Lamborghini's doors. Sasuke was struggling, moaning around the edges of the ball gag. He was not going to be a good boy. Itachi sighed to himself. Going shopping with his younger brother was such a chore.

Itachi reached over and turned Sasuke's head toward him. Instinctively, Sasuke pinched his eyes shut as the mangekyou sharingan appeared. The boy was so stubborn! Holding his head in place with one hand, Itachi carefully pulled up his eyelids and stared into Sasuke's eyes.

Itachi created a series of humiliating visions and forced his little brother to live through them. Even Itachi blushed at some of the situations he dreamed up. They all involved Naruto in some way – humiliating visions involving Naruto were the best when Itachi wanted Sasuke to be a good boy for any length of time. Shopping trips could take a while, too. There was one that Itachi thought up near the end that he particularly liked: Naruto barging into his little brother's apartment while Sasuke tried to put on a furisode. The bondage-like tangle of the obi was a particularly nice touch. Itachi wanted to smile, but he just didn't do that sort of thing.

Seventy-two hours of Naruto witnessing Sasuke being humiliated. Three seconds later, Itachi shoved Sasuke out of the passenger door. The boy fell to the ground limply. Itachi reached behind his seat and grabbed two somethings, then slid out the door of the Lamborghini. Pushing a button on his keychain caused the scissor doors to piston closed again. Itachi walked around to the other side of the car and retrieved Sasuke from the ground.

"You know, Sasuke, as much as I enjoy these little trips of ours, I really do wish we could enjoy them together. As a family. And not with all these gags and handcuffs. I'd really like it better if we left that all at home." Itachi sighed tiredly. His brother could be so demanding sometimes.

Itachi took the first of the two somethings, a leash, and clipped it to the collar around Sasuke's throat. Itachi was about to put the second something on his head, but stopped short with the object still in his hand.

Itachi looked at his shirt, barely stifling a moan. He looked at the car, and a feeling of apprehension filled him. And then, the object in his hands...

It was nice enough. Round, full-brimmed, not too tall. It was jet black, matching the clothes Itachi wore. There was no question, none at all, that it was the height of style. The newest thing from Italy, part of Gucci's fall line. All of Itachi's friends admired it. But again, Itachi found himself faced with the same, inescapable conclusion. He rounded on his brother, slipping out of character for a moment.

"Sasuke! I'm too sexy for my hat! Too sexy for my hat..." Itachi moaned in anguish. "What do you think about that?"

Sasuke whimpered pitifully. It looked like he was still reliving those Naruto fantasies. Humiliations. Whatever. He was so useless! Tugging on the leash, Itachi began stalking toward the entrance of the mall. He tried his best to regain his composure.

Just outside the door, he was greeted with a surprise that absolutely made his day. Kisame was waiting for him beside the entrance, holding a small slatted box. How had Kisame known he was going to come here today? Kisame was so sweet! Itachi resisted the urge to run up and hug him, because such things simply weren't DONE.

"Kisame," he stated coolly.

Kisame smiled and proffered the box to Itachi. The weight inside was strange. It seemed to shift around. "I know you've been having a hard time with Sasuke lately, Itachi. So I thought maybe a little something would... you know... Cheer you up a bit." The shark-faced man smiled, although Itachi thought he could detect a hint of nervousness in Kisame's eyes.

Itachi was curious to see what might be in the box. He tied Sasuke's leash to a bench, making sure the boy wouldn't run away, and then focused his attention on the present from Kisame. It really was oddly balanced. What could it be?

A quiet sound escaped from the slats, and Itachi couldn't contain himself any longer. He ripped open the box, with cold diffidence of course. Inside was... a kitten! How cute! It was black, with little white socks on its paws. Itachi loved it. Kisame was the best partner a ninja could ask for. He reached into the box and extracted the kitten. It seemed very nervous, but when Itachi stared into its eyes, it settled down somewhat.

Yes, it was very cute. Very very cute. But a familiar wave of unease washed through Itachi as he examined it more closely. The cat was cute, but when Itachi considered it in context. In context with his shirt, his car, and his hat... He bit his lip. Yes. He couldn't deny it, now that it was staring him so plainly in the face.

"Kisame. I'm too sexy for my cat."

Kisame rolled his eyes. Nervousness was unquestionably gone now, replaced by... irritation? The blue-skinned man folded his arms over his chest and glared malevolently. "Itachi, will you PLEASE stop listening to that damned song?"


	12. Kekkei Genkai

**Title**: Kekkei Genkai  
**Rating**: PG-13 for adult themes?  
**Characters**: Kakashi and friend  
**Word Count**: 507  
**Summary**: No one understands the Sharingan like Kakashi.  
**Author's Notes**: GASP! An ACTUAL drabble? How can it be? What horrors may follow? Enjoy it while it lasts, people. And remember, caring is sharing. Naruto belongs to you, me, and everyone else who enjoys it enough to write fanfiction. Not that hack, Kishimoto. Never him. Oh, that'd be a horror.

Oh, one last thing in case you don't know. An onsen is a hot spring, in this case an open resort for bathing. (No, they aren't ACTUALLY co-ed. Usually. Though there are some. And y'know, sometimes the walls aren't that intimidating either) A hitai-ate is the proper name for that deal everyone wears around their forehead, and Lee wears around his waist. Lee's a fruit, though. What can I say?

* * *

Nobody really understood the Sharingan like Kakashi. 

Yeah, sure, it was the bloodline ability of the Uchiha clan. Kakashi really had no right to the thing anyway. But Obito had given it to him, in replacement for his own ruined left eye. And now Kakashi had a Sharingan of his own, and that was that.

And he couldn't help thinking, no one else really understood the thing.

Certainly not Sasuke. The little brat was always using his Sharingan for the most simplistic reasons. To win in a fight? To see through his opponents techniques? Sure, the Sharingan was considered a ninja tool, and it was invaluable in battle. Kakashi's own reputation as the Copy Ninja could attest to that. But Sasuke had a one track mind.

Get power at all costs. Kill Itachi.

Okay, so maybe that counted as two tracks. But really, that was about it. And with an attitude like that, how was Sasuke supposed to master the Sharingan?

Orochimaru... Orochimaru wasn't any better. The man, if Kakashi could really call him a man... The man was obsessed with becoming the ultimate being, mastering every technique in the world. Another one-track mind. And yes, the Sharingan WAS excellent for memorizing techniques. No doubt about that. Thankfully, Orochimaru still didn't have a Sharingan. He just WANTED one. If he and Sasuke ever DID wind up sharing the same body...

What a waste. Kakashi sighed to himself.

Itachi. Now that man had some class. Itachi seemed to have SOME idea what the Sharingan was all about. Using Tsukuyomi on Kakashi proved that. Three days of freakish, dispassionate torture. It was like being stabbed to death, over and over again, by a giant muppet. Itachi was a sadistic little bastard, and he really needed to make some more attractive friends than those creepy Akatsuki dudes, but at least his heart was in the right place:

RECREATIONAL USE.

"Oi, Kakashi! There's an onsen over there! Whaddaya say we go have a LOOK, if ya know what I mean? I've been dyin' to do some... research."

Kakashi turned to the man beside him and lifted his hitai-ate from where it rested, covering the Sharingan. He stared meaningfully into the other man's eyes. "Shut up, Jiraiya. And stop asking about the onsen, already. It's giving me a headache."

Jiraiya blinked twice, and shuddered as Kakashi lowered the hitai-ate back into place. "Yeah. Yeah... What was I saying, Kakashi?"

"You were offering to buy me dinner, 'cause I paid the last five nights," Kakashi hadn't really. But thanks to the Sharingan, Jiraiya THOUGHT he had, and that was what mattered.

"Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. My turn, ainnit?" Jiraiya scratched his head absently.

As they continued walking, Kakashi reached up and twisted the hitai-ate just enough to move the metal Konoha badge away from his eye. He turned his head lazily, scanning the street. What was the point of going to the onsen, anyway? The Sharingan could see right through clothing after all.

Kakashi smiled a small, secretive smile. Sasuke would never understand.


	13. Sick Day

**Title**: Sick Day  
**Rating**: PG-13 for raging hormones.  
**Characters**: Sasuke x (Sakura/Ino/Hinata/Kurenai/Shizune(?)/Tsunade(?))  
**Word Count**: 1050  
**Summary**: Sasuke dislikes being sick.  
**Author's Notes**: I got my first flame on KOST today! It cracked me up. So I'd just like to say a big thank you to everyone out there who takes this stuff so seriously that they can't handle someone poking fun at their favorite characters. If it weren't for you guys, well... If it weren't for you guys, I guess the world would be a more well-adjusted place, but who wants THAT?

* * *

Sasuke slipped his hand out from under the bedcovers and touched it to his forehead. Still sweltering hot. He sighed. 

Uchiha Sasuke was sick. Horribly, violently sick. He'd woken up that morning with a fever, too weak to stand. Of course, that hadn't stopped him from crawling out of bed and slumping down the stairs to the street below his apartment. Sasuke wasn't going to let some stupid illness keep him from training.

He had, however, forgotten to take into account one important fact: women.

* * *

Ino had found him first, as he lay panting at the bottom of the apartment stairs. The blonde-haired girl had turned pale at the sight of him, running to his side and frantically trying to help him back upstairs. Of course, Sasuke didn't WANT to go back upstairs, which created an uncomfortable tangle of limbs. Lacking the energy to stand upright unaided, Sasuke had eventually toppled over onto Ino. 

While Sasuke was lying prone on top of Ino, of course, was the exact moment Sakura came along. After a few minutes shouting, fuming, and throwing things, Sakura had finally come to understand that Sasuke was sick. He and Ino were not, however much the blonde girl would like to have claimed, engaging in an extended make out session on the ground just outside his apartment complex. The realization that Sasuke was ill prompted a mothering reaction from Sakura as well. She tried to haul him off Ino and drag him back upstairs into his apartment. Sasuke still didn't want to go, though, and even though Ino and Sakura seemed to agree on what should be done with him, neither wanted to let the other do it.

So the three of them had wound up on the ground, again, arms and legs all tangled together. Sasuke was on top, and after spending all of his energy to keep from being brought home, he had absolutely none left to get off the two girls. Sakura and Ino, for their part, smiled blissfully and seemed content to leave him there.

The three of them might have stayed like that all day, if Hinata hadn't wandered along. Understandably, she turned bright crimson as soon as she saw the three of them, and rushed over to try to... help? Honestly, Sasuke wasn't sure why she rushed over. He seemed to remember her whimpering something about Naruto and pretty boys, but that didn't make any sense. Anyway, who in their right mind would think Naruto was pretty? Not that Hinata was necessarily in her right mind.

Ino and Sakura had, reluctantly, struggled out from under him when Hinata came over. Not to help her pick Sasuke up or anything. They were just upset someone else was intruding, and the three of them proceeded to fight, there in the street, right next to Sasuke himself, about who had the right to help take care of Sasuke. Ino insisted that because she found him, it was her job. Sakura claimed that as his teammate, care of Sasuke should fall to her. Hinata kept blushing and stammering so much that Sasuke never really gathered the gist of her argument.

Soon enough, Kurenai-sensei came looking for Hinata, who had failed to show up for training at the scheduled time. She took in the sight of Sasuke, lying in the dirt, and the three girls, screaming shrilly and slapping at one another, and understood the situation immediately. So Kurenai stormed through the battling women, lifted Sasuke by the collar of his shirt, and began dragging him away. Hinata, Sakura, and Ino weren't about to stand for that, however, and leaped on the older woman intent to get him back. Kurenai was quick to fight back, and what had been a catfight began to take on a more violent cast.

The fight was drawing a crowd now, and disrupting traffic in the street. It wasn't too much longer before Tsunade herself arrived, Shizune in tow. A few shouted words and broken buildings later, the fight was over. Of course, Sasuke still couldn't move unaided. So Tsunade, with that inhuman strength of hers, slung him over her shoulder and tramped back to the Hokage's office complex. The other four women followed angrily, but at a respectful distance. That was about the time when Sasuke finally passed out.

* * *

And now, here he was, the great Uchiha Sasuke, a prisoner in the Hokage's own apartments, trapped in the woman's king-sized four-posted bed, without a stitch of clothing on him. Sasuke had to admit, even he was reluctant to go train if he didn't have clothes. He sighed, and felt a twinge in his chest. Sasuke hated being sick. And he hated women, even more. At least if he was locked up in Tsunade's apartments, it meant the woman had finally managed to make all the others leave him alo- 

The door to the bedroom slammed open, and a line of women marched inside. Tsunade was in the lead, wearing her usual bathrobe ensemble. Behind her, Sasuke could see all the others. He swallowed, reflexively.

Tsunade stopped in front of Sasuke and looked him in the eye. "Good. You're awake. Now, as much as I try to get these women to leave, none of them will listen to me. So I've agreed to let them watch over you while you're sick, Sasuke."

Kurenai-sensei stood there, dressed professionally and sporting a pair of glasses and a notebook. She seemed to be in command. Behind her, Hinata waited in... Sasuke had to be dreaming. It was too weird. Hinata was wearing a French maid's outfit? Her cheeks were bright red. She was carrying a tray with a teapot and a steaming cup on it, though. Maybe she was supposed to be supplying him with medicine... Sasuke swallowed again, and then turned his head to look past her.

Sakura and Ino were at the back, both wearing the same outfit: a sleeveless white frock with a red cross embroidered over the right breast. Ino had a stethoscope around her neck, and was digging through a white designer medical kit. Sakura was pulling on a pair of long, latex gloves. They both flashed dazzling smiles at Sasuke.

"Oh, nooo..." Sasuke moaned weakly.

Tsunade's smile never touched her eyes. "Get well soon, Sasuke. Get well soon."


	14. Vices

**Title**: Vices  
**Rating**: PG-13 for boy-love  
**Characters**:The Sannin  
**Word Count**: 1032  
**Summary**: Jiraiya reflects on the only thing the Sannin have in common.  
**Author's Notes**: Language notes: An onsen is a hot spring where you can relax and bathe. A ryoukan is a traditional Japanese inn. Jinbei and tanzen are the clothes Jiraiya wears (the green and red bits, respectively). This story is dedicated to my wig.

* * *

Only one thing really united the Sannin, one bitter secret best left unspoken. Jiraiya brooded on it while he relaxed in the onsen, sake cup in hand. A wooden tray floated next to him, holding an array of warm bottles, full and empty. His cheeks were already flushed red, but the stars shone out overhead. This late in the day, he could allow himself to be a bit drunk.

Tsunade had let it slip, once, that there was one uniting factor. She had been gambling, of course, and drunk, and it had spilled out of her mouth before she could think to stop it. Thankfully, _thankfully_, she hadn't actually divulged what that secret was. But word spread like wildfire nonetheless. Such was the fame of the Sannin: no one could resist the urge to gossip about the three most famous, the three most powerful, ninja of their generation. Still, Jiraiya had been forced to live under constant assault since then. Everyone wanted to know the secret. After all, the Sannin were ninjas, and secrets were power. To have a secret possessed only by the Legendary Sannin was not only a badge of honor, but a weapon.

That, the hounding, had really been what drove Jiraiya to become a hermit. He couldn't endure the constant badgering by every ninja he met. The reason Jiraiya loved hostess clubs and geisha houses wasn't actually because of the women (well, okay, it wasn't _only_ because of the women), but simply because _there_, he didn't have to endure the constant _questioning_.

He'd heard many theories over the years. The most frequent was probably that there was a unifying factor in their skill as ninjas. But anyone with an ounce of intelligence could see that _that_ wasn't the case. Aside from the fact that all three of them were massively powerful and well-nigh unkillable, the particular skills of the Sannin were as different as the three themselves.

Others made slightly better hypotheses, that perhaps the summoning techniques of the Sannin shared something in common. Certainly, Jiraiya doubted any other three-man cell had such accomplished summoning masters. But the uniting factor for the Sannin was as old as the team itself. And while Jiraiya and Orochimaru had learned their summoning techniques early, Tsunade's slug-summoning was... Well, the woman could be a bit _petulant_ at times. While her teammates had a natural affinity for the technique, she had no talent at all. Really, no creature other than slugs had been willing to _let_ her summon them. It was sad, really.

Some people pointed to physical traits. The Sannin all had long hair, didn't they? Well, yes, but Orochimaru wore a wig. He'd always worn a wig. The man was bald as a stone, though no one besides Jiraiya and Tsunade knew it. It had something to do with his snake affinity, though Jiraiya never really understood the technicalities as well as either of the other two, but he suspected the baldness had carried over to all the man's host bodies as well. The expense of buying all those wigs... Jiraiya shivered at the thought, thankful for his own glorious hair. Besides that, though, how was hair supposed to unite people?

Jiraiya had heard it proposed, once, that their unity came from one of their many undesirous traits, perversion. Getting closer to the truth, but still wrong. None of the Sannin were proud of what they had in common, but perversion was not it. Certainly, Orochimaru was as perverted as could be. The man would not _stop_ collecting beautiful boys. Back when the three were chuunin, at least he had contented himself with more _acceptable_ outlets, but now... Orochimaru literally collected them, kept them in cages like pets. The man was a freak. And, interestingly, Tsunade too. The fifth Hokage had her own penchant for pretty boys, though she kept it well-hidden. Shizune would know about it, certainly. But outside her and the other members of the Sannin, Jiraiya doubted anyone was aware of Tsunade's fanatic obsession with doujinshi.

No, the sad truth was that Jiraiya himself was the odd one out here. Oh, he liked women, sure enough. But the 'pervert' persona was mostly an affectation, something he had created to fit in with his teammembers. It served him in good stead now, for writing his novels. For research, as much as everyone scoffed when he called it that. Jiraiya's constant lack of a nosebleed attested to his own pure heart. (Orochimaru with his stark-white skin wasn't actually that pallid by nature, but rather by constant blood-loss).

The truth, as worrying as it was to admit, was that the three Sannin were all, all three of them, perpetually bankrupt. Everyone knew Tsunade, the Legendary Mark, couldn't hold onto money if her life depended on it. That was common knowledge.

Orochimaru, on the other hand... He wanted to rule the world, of course. By now, everyone was aware of this. But what was left unsaid, was that he would buy into any "Get Power Quick" scheme that came his way. He had once, shortly after becoming a jounin, sent away for a subliminal audio course on world domination ("Subjugate While You Sleep"). It had never occurred to Orochimaru that if the tapes _worked_, the man producing them would be a powerful world leader himself, and thus unlikely to want to share his secrets.

And Jiraiya himself... With the royalties off the Icha-Icha series, he should have been rich. Even with what he set aside for research expenses, travel, everything else. By all rights, Jiraiya should have been a very wealthy man. But if anyone ever looked at the tags on his clothing, they would see that the jinbei came from a summer resort in the Wave Country, and the tanzen vest was stolen from a ryoukan in Konoha itself. Jiraiya was constantly broke.

He raked his fingers back through his hair, already beginning to droop from the onsen's humidity, and sighed. He would never, in his life, be able to live it down if the world found out how much hair gel he had to use to create the magnificent, spiky white masterpiece that he wore every day of his life.


	15. Career Counseling

**Title**: Career Counseling  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Sandaime Hokage (Sarutobi), Uchiha Obito  
**Word Count**: 566  
**Summary**: Sarutobi-sensei loves all his children equally.  
**Author's Notes**: This one just got away from me. I genuinely like Obito as a character, and I meant to do something VERY different with this installment. Believe me when I say this is not how I think of Obito. But the inclusion of Sarutobi-sensei sort of changed the approach I meant to take here.

* * *

(_A brief OOC note - We don't know the name of the 4th Hokage, but he gets a mention here, so for the purposes of this story I'll be giving him a name. I'm hoping it sounds like a regular name from Naruto, a believable choice. See if you can spot it when he comes up._) 

"I don't wanna be a ninja anymore."

Uchiha Obito sprawled in the wooden chair, his arms draped lazily over the armrests and his feet splayed in front of him. Across the desk, Sarutobi frowned over steepled hands. Obito was a problem.

Sautobi loved him, of course, just as Sarutobi loved all the villagers. They were like his children. He didn't play favorites, after all. But if he had to choose SOMEONE to not love... No, no. He loved them all. Of course he loved them all. He was the Hokage, and the Hokage loved the villagers. That's how it was. Best not to put too much thought into it.

"I dunno, Sarutobi-sensei," the little brat whined. "Kakashi's so mean, and Frankenhoffer-sensei doesn't like me either."

Sighing, Sarutobi took on a lecturing tone. "Obito. Joachim vonFrankenhoffer is the greatest ninja this village has ever produced. You will not speak badly of him. He will be the next Hokage after me. As such, he loves you, and all the other villagers, equally."

"Fine, whatever..." Obito's voice grated on Sarutobi's ears like nails scratched across a chalkboard. "But I still don't wanna be a ninja. Sarutobi-sensei...!" A note of pleading entered the brat's incessant rant.

"All right, Obito. You're a member of the proud and glorious Uchiha clan. You've got the ability to manifest the sharingan. Most ninja would kill to have the opportunities you have. But fine. You don't want to be a ninja anymore? Then tell me, what DO you want to be?" Why couldn't Obito be more like his cousin Itachi? Now THERE was a model ninja. Skilled, powerful, and determined. Not whiny. Sarutobi wished more ninja could be like Uchiha Itachi.

"Uhhh.. I dunno..." Obito scratched his head, and Sarutobi groaned in exasperation. Loving exasperation. The brat hadn't bothered to think this through. Of course not. He never thought anything through, the little punk. "How 'bout... hey, Sarutobi-sensei, could I be a chef? Huh?"

Sarutobi knew what he wanted to say. ("No, Bitch, you cannot be a chef!") But he tried for a gentler approach. "So you think you'd like cooking, Obito? Do you know anyone who would want to eat your cooking? Wait. Do you know anyone who would be WILLING to eat your cooking?"

Thankfully, Sarutobi's words seemed to deflate Obito. He slumped in his chair, and started crying behind his goggles. Good. Maybe that would teach him to stop coming to Sarutobi every week, whining about his team.

"Obito, stop it. Ninjas don't cry. And you ARE a ninja. Please stop whining about it." Sarutobi stood, bringing the meeting to an end. "Now, come here and give your Uncle Sarutobi a hug."

Obito nodded, and moped around the desk to wrap his arms around the Third Hokage. Sarutobi reached down and patted his head gingerly. "There, there, Obito. It's okay. You'll make a fine ninja one of these days. And remember, Uncle Sarutobi loves you."

Sarutobi resisted the overpowering urge to take a kunai out of his belt and stab the whiny little bastard in the neck.


	16. Emo Kids in Love

**Title**: Emo Kids in Love  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Haku and Zabusa  
**Word count**: 692  
**Summary**: Haku is destined to live a life of pain.  
**Author's Notes**: Apologies to any yaoi-haters who consider this a yaoi pairing. But it's not. Haku is a girl.

* * *

Haku gave a rare smile as he unwrapped his birthday present. Zabusa stood glowering, his arms folded across his chest. 

"Oh, wow! A guitar! Oh, Zabusa, you're the best!" In a moment of uncharacteristic exhuberance, Haku threw his arms around the taller man's neck.

"Ch. It's not like it cost anything. I just took it off that guy we killed back in the Wind Country." Zabusa turned away, his cheeks reddening slightly.

_Why is he always like this_, Haku whined to himself. _Why can't he see how much I love him? I gave up everything for him, became a ninja for him, and he treats me like I'm nothing._ And just like that, his birthday was ruined.

Of course he didn't say anything. He couldn't say anything. Nothing good could come of talking about your feelings.

So he brooded.

"...Haku? Is something wrong?" Zabusa turned back, noting the dark look that had fallen over the boy's face. The jounin's shoulders fell as he slipped his hands into the pockets of his leather pants, consternation painting his features.

"No. Everything's fine," Haku snipped. "It's my birthday. What could possibly be wrong?"

Zabusa nodded, accepting the response at face value, which only made Haku angrier. The jounin flounced into a black leather chair and let out a dramatic sigh. "Well, as birthdays go, y'know, you might have thought it sucked. We've been kicked out of our homes. We lead a lonely, hollow existence, always on the run. Our own comrades would gladly hunt us down and kill us. I mean, we do have a lot to be depressed about, y'know."

Haku wanted to brood about Zabusa's refusal to acknowledge his feelings, but the new topic provided fertile brooding material of it's own. "Yeah... Our lives really suck, don't they. But you know, if you weren't such a great ninja, and if I didn't have a bloodline talent, we'd probably be okay. Really, it's our own fault." Yeah. Sure. It made sense.

Zabusa nodded his head sadly. "We're tortured souls, destined to lives of anguish and pain. No one could possibly lead a life more miserable than ours."

Haku spoke before thinking. "Well, did you hear about that Gaara kid from the Village of Sand? He's got it pretty bad too, don't you thi-"

"NO ONE could possibly lead a life more miserable than ours," Zabusa reasserted.

Haku nodded quickly. Yeah, it was true. That Gaara kid probably had all sorts of nice things in his life. He couldn't be as miserable as Haku. No way. "Don't you wish it would stop, though? Don't you wish there was some way to fix all the problems, Zabusa? Go back to being part of the village?" A pleasant daydream formed in Haku's head: the two of them, living together in the Village of Mist. With friends.

"But there just isn't a way to fix them, Haku. You understand that. We're cursed to live this awful half-life, from now until the day we finally get to die. It's our destiny. We can't fight against fate." Zabusa had slipped back into his usual melancholy tone of voice.

"It's too terrible, though, Zabusa! I don't know how to take it anymore." Tears began running down Haku's cheeks, dripping and wetting the black lace ruffles of his shirt.

"Haku! Stop it! You can't let the pain show. You can't let anyone know how much it hurts. No one can ever know. You're a ninja now, and you know what that means. 'One who endures.' You have to endure. It's part of your destiny." Zabusa frowned angrily, his brood ruined by Haku's outpouring of emotion.

Haku nodded, drying the tears on his frilly sleeve. "Okay... I'm sorry, Zabusa. It won't happen again."

Zabusa nodded and hmphed. "Good. Now why don't you try out that guitar. I got you something else, too. A few songs you can try playing. Uh... Yeah, the dead guy had 'em too." He reached behind his back and drew out a small book, tossing it across the room.

Haku snatched it out of the air easily. He looked down, reading the cover.

Guitar tabs for My Chemical Romance.


	17. Bone Thugs in Harmony

**Title**: Bone Thugs in Harmony  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: The Sound Five, with some special guest appearances  
**Word Count**: 661  
**Summary**: With Kimimaro out of commission, Orochimaru has new plans for his elite sound ninja.  
**Author's Notes**: I love Orochimaru.

* * *

"I dunno… Can we really do this?" Jiroubou frowned pensively, reaching behind his back to tighten the white apron he wore.

"Yeah… I mean, I know we're sound ninja and all, but this is kinda…" Kidoumaru fidgeted with all six of his hands.

"Not even the right number, if you think about it. What's Ukon supposed to do?" Sakon ran nervous fingers through his gray hair as his twin head muttered something behind him.

"These are orders from Orochimaru-sama, team." Kimimaro covered his mouth and coughed, leaving a spray of crimson blood on his hand. "None of us would be here today without Orochimaru-sama. And since I'm going to be out of commission from now on, this is his last order through me. Something he wants the four of you to do when I'm gone."

Tayuya glared at the piece of paper clenched in her hands. "But this makes no sense," she shouted. "We never received the necessary training for this!"

Always quick to jump on the bandwagon, Kidoumaru took up her argument. "Yeah! I mean, we all have lots of other special skills! Orochimaru knows that. I mean, I have all these arms! I can do cartwheels." He demonstrated. "I can do handsprings." He demonstrated. "I can do all sorts of things. But… singing?"

A low bass rumble filled the air as Jiroubou experimentally sounded his way through the notes on the page in front of him. Tayuya clicked her tongue in irritation. Couldn't the idiot man see they were trying to get out of this assignment? They couldn't let their ranks be split over this. And anyway, he had all the easy parts. No words, no high notes. "Jiroubou, stop it! We are NOT going to do this."

Kimimaro shot her an angry look from his seat on the edge of his hospital bed. "Yes you will, Tayuya. Orochimaru-sama has commanded it. You must show him how grateful you are for these bodies he has gifted to you."

Kabuto stepped out of the darkness behind Kimimaro, pushing up his glasses. "And anyway, Orochimaru-sama is in kind of a funk since his 'Hamburger Franchise of Evil' plan fell through. You know, he even had specially-bred evil cows for the meat and evil sesame seeds for making the hamburger buns? But no one was willing to run an Orochi-Burger outside our village, so the plan's been scrapped. This is his new pet project. I'll be drawing up your practice schedule this week. Resistance is futile."

"But what about Ukon," Sakon protested again. "There are five of us. It just doesn't WORK." Ukon's head nodded in agreement.

Kimimaro cast a hateful look at Sakon as he slipped back into the bed. "I'm sure Orochimaru-sama thought of that himself, Sakon. Orochimaru-sama's plans are perfect. He would never leave an obvious hole like that. The fact remains, you WILL obey his orders. All of you."

Kabuto looked ready to protest the perfection of those plans for a moment, but seemed to think better of it in the presence of Kimimaro. "Yes. Perfect. Um… I'm sure Orochimaru-sama meant for Ukon to just follow your lead, Sakon. You count as one person for this, so the extra harmony just gives us a better chance of winning in competition. Yes. That was Orochimaru's plan all along."

And then, out of the darkness slipped the man himself, silent as a snake. He slid up behind Kabuto and petted the man's silvery hair. "Yesss, that is exssactly what I thought," he hissed, a villainous smile twisting his mouth. "You will be the lynchpin, Sakon. You'll be singing lead. With two voicess on lead, we can't help but win!"

A fierce light shined in Orochimaru's eyes, and the look on his face cowed all remaining opposition among the sound ninja. "With you four, we will take the world of music by sstorm! No one will sstand against the power of our Ninja Barbershop Quartet!"

Mad laughter filled the room.


	18. How to Win Friends and Influence People

**Title**: How to Make Friends and Influence People  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Sai - Sakura  
**Word count**: 590  
**Summary**: Sai doesn't play well with others.  
**Author's Notes**: Sakura really needs to find a good guy one of these days.

* * *

Drops of ink fell from the brush tip, splashing onto the parchment in front of him and seeping through to stain the desk beneath. Sai smiled pensively, considering the problem.

_It's March 28th today. Sakura's birthday. When people have birthdays, other people.. "friends"... give them"presents" like toys, or socks, or maybe new weapons, right?_

Sai wasn't very familiar with birthdays. Apparently, he had had birthdays too. Apparently. But he never had friends to give him socks. Sakura would probably be disappointed if Sai didn't get her anything. But she didn't really seem like the sort of girl who would want dolls, or puzzles, or other toys. And she had plenty of socks. And...

Sai shuddered. He really didn't want to give Sakura a weapon for her birthday.

_Crap. What should I do? What should I do?_ Indecision wasn't becoming of a former ANBU member, but when it came to social interactions, Sai found that all his training didn't help in the least. He could kill people without blinking an eye. Interrogate without a hint of squeamishness, even when the screams were at their shrillest. But ask him to be "friends" with someone... _Crap!_

A soft knock echoed off the door to the apartment. Sai quickly concealed himself in the rafters overhead, a knife gripped in his teeth and his hands already forming seals.

"Sai? Are you there? It's... me. Sakura"

The voice sounded like Sakura. Well, except that it wasn't shouting at him. But still, whoever it was could be an imposter.

"Cmph nn!" Sai shouted, still leaving his teeth clenched on the knife hilt.

The door swung open, and Sakura stepped through, her head down and a hint of red staining her cheeks. Her hands were fidgeting behind her back, and she toed the ground absently with one foot. "It's all right if you're busy, Sai. I just wanted to come say hi... y'know..."

Whoever this was, wasn't ACTING like Sakura. Sai's mind quickly analyzed the possibilities. An enemy agent using transformation skills to impersonate his teammate? Some kind of mind control? A trap, by Sakura herself, to put Sai off his guard?

Sakura looked up, and the red in her cheeks deepened as she spotted him. "...hey there, Sai!" A smile crept across her face. "I was... y'know... just wondering if... you'd had lunch yet... y'know." She bit her lip, pausing for a few seconds. "We could... like... hang out today, or something? I thought maybe it'd be kinda... y'know... fun?"

_What's going on? Why hasn't she attacked me yet? Maybe it really is Sakura?_ Sai clung to the roof beams, like a spider in his web, his eyes scanning the room to see if he was missing anything. He astutely refused to focus on Sakura, since it seemed clear no threat would come from her since none had yet.

"Sai? Why are you still...?" The expression in her eyes shifted, and her voice took on a harsher edge. "Well if you don't like me, then just say so, jerk! I can't believe I really... Oh God... Why did I ever think you'd...? Gaaaaah!"

Yes, that was more like the Sakura he knew. He was just being paranoid again. He let go of the rafters and began dropping back to the ground.

A large table caught him in the chest about halfway down, forcing the breath from his lungs and threatening to drag him into the depths of unconsciousness. One last thought filled his mind just before darkness overtook him.

_Maybe she would have liked socks after all._

* * *

An old friend of mine died, leaving me a map to a secret silver mine in the deserts of Arizona. I followed it, and discovered untold riches there. Among the rich veins of silver, I also found a small ironbound chest. Lacking the key to open it, I just smashed the thing with a large hammer I found conveniently lying nearby.

Unfortunately the rights to Naruto were not inside the chest. But I did find a mean recipe for egg salad sandwiches.


	19. Ninjas vs Pirates

**Title**: Ninjas vs. Pirates  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Team Gai  
**Word count**: 1136  
**Summary**: Lee doesn't understand the problem.  
**Author's Notes**: I really don't think this wound up being all that funny. It was meant to be something of a theater of the absurd, but I think it kind of got out of control. I really don't care about the topic as much as this may imply. It happened mostly because of the title and realultimatepower DOT net, the real reason I wrote this story.

* * *

"Gai-sensei, I have a question!"

Rock Lee waved his hand over his head, trying to attract his teacher's attention. The gesture was probably unnecessary, since Gai-sensei was staring right at him, but he wanted to make sure.

Gai flashed a dazzling smile. "Yes, Lee! What is it?"

"Gai-sensei, can you explain intellectual property rights?"

Tenten sighed. Neji brooded. Gai-sensei laughed happily.

"Of course, Lee! I'm so glad you asked! Well, you see, every idea you have, every original thing you create, like a song or a book is your 'intellectual property'! That means you have the right to sell what you create, and you have the right to let other people copy it! If someone sells or copies what you create without your permission, that person is breaking your intellectual property rights!" Gai grinned, giving Rock Lee a two-handed thumbs-up.

"Uh, excuse me Sensei, but that's not quite right." Neji stood slowly from where he'd been sitting on a large rock. He folded his arms into his sleeves and took on a lecturing tone. "It's not just selling or copying other people's work. Intellectual property rights are about protecting artists from loss of income. Copying a creative work is only a crime if it prevents someone from buying the work when, all else being equal, they would have. So basically..."

Lee turned back to his teacher. "Is that right, Gai-sensei?" He shot a distrustful look at his teammate. "So it's about money? If I copy something and don't pay for it, then I'm breaking the law?"

Gai shot an appraising look at Neji. "Well, yes, but... Think of the principle, Lee!" The sparkling grin was back. "It's WRONG to copy someone else's work, isn't it? Money doesn't matter! It's just wrong, so we mustn't do it!" Another nice guy pose. Gai-sensei was so cool!

Neji cleared his throat, and Lee reluctantly turned away from his idol. Neji just wouldn't leave well enough alone. Gai-sensei had said it was wrong! That was that.

"Well," Neji began, "it could be said that copying is wrong, but many artists, especially musicians, like to have their work copied and distributed. In competition-heavy media environments, where advertising has only limited availability and effectiveness, often the best way to become successful is to let people be exposed to your work. If the public likes it enough, they'll show their support by buying it in the marketplace. Furthermore, in the recording industry contracts often favor the record companies so heavily that the artists themselves receive negligible royalties for the sale of their own creative works, so the intellectual property argument becomes something of a fallacy, really."

Lee had had enough. "But Neji, don't you see? It's WRONG! It's STEALING! We can't let people do it!"

Neji nodded thoughtfully. "Well, yes, in a way. But your argument, such as it is, applies better to movies and books, Lee; media where the profits of sale go back into the pockets of the artists, or go to pay workers in affiliated unions for creation of more products of the same type. But in the recording industry, really, very few of those profits make it back to the people who should be seeing them. And as I said, many artists actually support the free distribution of their work in public forums like the internet, as an alternative way of advertising their product."

Gai-sensei cocked his head to the side, trying to follow Neji's argument. "But... Wait, Neji. How is it advertising if the work for sale is distributed free? Doesn't that just destroy the ability for the artists to earn ANY money?"

"No, actually," Neji continued. "What you have to remember, Sensei, is that music artists draw profits from more than just CD sales. They also have revenues from concert tickets, royalties when large corporations ask to use their songs in advertising campaigns, contracts with movie studios to provide music for the soundtrack to motion pictures, and of course they can capitalize on their own status as celebrities in many ways. All of this is only possible because of the fame and respect they've achieved from having their music heard by a wide spectrum of the public. So really, many artists would rather have a wide distribution for their music to allow them a greater chance for opportunities such as these."

Tenten nodded thoughtfully, adding her quiet voice to the discussion. "And when you really think about it, a lot of the songs people like are being public ally broadcast anyway. Since you could just tape them when they come on the radio, it's hard to argue that burning the songs to a CD is any worse."

Neji turned to Tenten, shaking his head slightly. "True, but... That's also something of a fallacy. Think how much work it would take to tape all those songs off the radio, how much time. Now consider the ease of downloading them from the internet. The radio format isn't really very conducive for copying music, not if you want any choice in what you're listening to. The internet has made it much easier to find and copy only the music you want. I maintain, the argument should be over whether the artists themselves are more likely to gain money or lose money by the free distribution of their work on the internet; and I think if we look at all the sources of income open to these men and women instead of just royalties from CD sales, we'll find that they gain more from being well-distributed than they lose from decreased sales volume."

Lee looked around at the others, confusion painting his face. "But... I still don't understand! I want to know about intellectual property rights! Is copying good or bad? I don't want to DISCUSS it, I just want to KNOW!"

Neji began explaining the complexities of the topic again, but Gai-sensei cut him off. "I know what you're saying, Neji, but STEALING - IS - WRONG! That's what it comes down to! So there's your answer, Lee! Stealing is wrong! We shouldn't steal, none of us! We should celebrate our youth! And that means participating in the economy as conscientious consumers!"

Lee frowned. "Okay. I think. Um... Yeah." He looked to Gai-sensei for support, and Gai greeted him with a friendly smile and more thumbs-upping. "Yeah! Music piracy is bad! We shouldn't let people steal music anymore, 'cause it's wrong!"

Neji sighed. "Lee, you're missing the point. It's not really stealing if the artists want us to-"

"No, Neji! Gai-sensei is right, and we should do what he says! Don't you get it? We're ninjas! We stand up for what's right, and true, and just! It's our job, as ninjas, to stop these pirates! We're like... we're like natural enemies!"

Gai-sensei grinned, his teeth a dazzling phalanx of white.

* * *

Caring is sharing. F#ck the RIAA. 


	20. Twenty

**Title**: Twenty  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Rock Lee and friends  
**Word count**: 1065  
**Summary**: Lee is a danger to himself and others.  
**Author's Notes**: In Japan, use of both tobacco and alcohol is outlawed until the age of 20. Not that that stops most high school students from doing whatever they want. But Lee's a good boy. Also, Yuuki's just a name I kicked out. It's not a reference to an actual character from anywhere.

* * *

Rock Lee thought of himself as a nice guy. A good guy. An honest, upstanding, responsible member of society. He helped blind people cross the street, he frequently rescued cats from trees, and he never, ever used his super ninja powers for immoral purposes. 

Never, ever.

"Lee! There you are!" Gai-sensei flashed a dazzling grin and motioned Lee toward the table where he sat with Asuma, Kurenai, and Yamato. Neji and Tenten were there also, but with a sullen, distracted look that suggested they hadn't come by choice.

"Gai-sensei! But why are there so many people here? You told me you just wanted to have me come out to dinner." Mild confusion painted Lee's face.

"Lee! It's your birthday!" Gai spoke with a glee only he could manage. "You're twenty today! We have to celebrate!"

Asuma nodded sagely. "Yeah. Not every day you turn twenty, Lee. We should have a drink to celebrate. You're legal now." A sparkle lit the man's eyes. Tenten, sitting beside him, looked suddenly panicked.

"No, Asuma-sensei, I can't. It's irresponsible to drink alcohol. It doesn't matter that I'm twenty; inappropriate is inappropriate. A ninja should always be on guard, and how can I stay on guard if alcohol is impairing my judgment?" Gai-sensei gave Lee a thumbs-up and a smile, and Lee grinned back in return. Gai-sensei had made very sure Lee understood the dangers of alcohol.

As Lee pulled out a chair and sat between Gai-sensei and Yamato-sensei, Kakashi came back with a tray of drinks. "Ah, there's the birthday boy! All right, I've got something for everyone here. Let's see. Yamato, you wanted a Jack. Kurenai, your usual Mai Tai. Here you go." Kakashi passed out a hurricane glass and an especially full snifter to the two teachers. "Next up. Corona for Asuma and myself."

Kakashi set down two bottles, as Kurenai spoke up. "Really, Asuma, should you be drinking? You know you have a hard time stopping." A disapproving stare painted her face. "What are they going to say at the Meeting next week?"

Asuma took the bottle in hand, drawing a swig. "It's a party, Kurenai! Lee's turning twenty. It's occasion enough to celebrate. I'll be all right this once." He smiled rakishly, and Kurenai turned back to her own drink.

"That leaves Gai and the kids. You're sure you don't want anything tonight, Gai? Yuuki says he's got some of that really good sake you always like tucked away in the back..."

Gai's cheeks reddened. "No, Kakashi. Ninjas must not drink. We must always be ready for what may come!"

Kakashi tilted his head to the side, a sly grin on his face. "All right, whatever you say Gai. Anyway, I had Yuuki whip up something special for you and the kids, since you and Lee don't want to drink and Neij and Tenten are still nineteen. Hopefully you'll still like it." He set down four tall glasses of a milky-looking liquid before taking his own seat at the table.

Asuma raised his bottle, clapping his hand on the table to get everyone's attention. "Okay, now that we're all ready, I think we should have a toast! To Rock Lee, on turning twenty. Lee's the hardest worker I've ever met. Never seen a ninja like him, and I doubt I ever will again. You're a man now, kid!"

A chorus of "Here! Here!" echoed around the table as bottles and glasses clinked together. Lee tipped back his own, taking a long drink. The mixture, whatever it was, was sweet. There was milk in there, he was sure - and as everyone knew, milk was good for bone and muscle development, which made Lee happy with the drink. There was a fruity flavor too, like sugarcane to sweeten it, and something that tasted a bit like rice, and just a hint of a bite. It went very well together. "What is this, Kakashi-sensei? It's really good!"

"It is, isn't it?" Tenten chimed in. "I really can't tell what's in it, but I like the taste. What do you think, Neji?"

Neji frowned for a moment, considering the drink. Veins stood out around his temples as he turned his specialized vision on the contents of the glass. Frowning, he took another sip and spoke. "Mmm. I think, perhaps, Lee, you should st-"

Gai-sensei rode over what Neji had been about to say, grinning toothily. "It IS good, Kakashi! Tastes like it has milk, some sort of fruit juice, I don't know what all, but it tastes like it must be healthy too!" He downed it on one long swig, and thumped the glass onto the table. "I'll be back. I'm going to ask Yuuki to make a round of these for everyone, so we can all try them!"

As Gai pushed back his chair, standing, Neji tried to speak up again. "But Sensei, the drink isn't really healthy, it's just-"

Lee wanted to follow his teacher's example, so he chugged the rest of his glass as well. "Can I have another one too, Gai-sensei? If it's healthy, I think we should all drink as much of it as possible!"

Asuma reached past Tenten, grabbing the glass that Neji was now ignoring and trying it for himself. "Ohh, yeah. That's nice!"

Neji leaned over to whisper something to Tenten, and the blood drained from her face leaving her ashen. Neji opened his mouth, but the growing noise around the table drowned out whatever he tried to say.

Asuma had begun passing around Neji's glass. Yamato, after taking a sip, arched an eyebrow at Kakashi. "You didn't really... Did you?"

Kakashi nodded, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards.

Lee found that he was having a harder and harder time focusing on the conversations at the table. His head seemed lighter. He wasn't really able to focus on anything. He turned toward the bar, and saw Gai-sensei talking with the bartender. Yuuki? Whatever, it didn't matter. That drink was so delicious! Now Gai-sensei was spinning around. The expression on his face was unfamiliar. Horror? And maybe fear? What on earth could make Gai-sensei afraid?

"But this rum must be overproof, probably 151," Yamato marveled. "It's almost pure alcohol. And the sake's so smooth. That's some really good stuff. And the milk is perfect. It masks the whole flavor. It's... it's almost a work of art."

"Yup," Kakashi said simply.


	21. We Always Hurt the Ones We Love

**Title**: We Always Hurt the Ones We Love  
**Rating**: R because you can't write Hidan without being kind of sick.  
**Characters**: Well, Hidan of course.  
**Word count**: 833  
**Summary**: Hidan had a happy childhood.

* * *

Hidan woke with a start, sweat running down his face and soaking into the sheets of the large bed. Jashin, Lord of Suffering, was punishing him again. Punishing him with the nightmares.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sighed heavily. His elbows rested on his knees as Hidan let his head fall into his hands. It had been two weeks now, and the nightmares wouldn't stop. It was almost enough to drive him mad. He stood, the covers falling back to the bed, and the cold night air chilled his unclothed skin, bringing goosebumps. Hidan began to pace.

The nightmares weren't what other men thought of as nightmares. Hidan had long ago given himself up to suffering. It was his lot in life, as it was that of all men everywhere. No, his nightmares were of his childhood. Of playing with friends, of games and toys... And of clowns. Always of clowns.

Hidan's father had been a wealthy man, but distant. His mother had died in childbirth, and his father had always seemed to blame him. Hidan had learned early that there could be no joy in life, only pain. He had resolved himself to it, learned to embrace the pain and make it work for him. Even as a child, he would cut himself and stab his arms, just to feel pain. Just to know he was alive. Pain was the only way to know you were alive. But over time, Hidan grew accustomed to the pain. It didn't bother him, it didn't even hurt so much. And then Hidan began to long for death, because without pain, what else could life offer him?

And then for Hidan's twelfth birthday, his father had hired a clown. The clown had made Hidan laugh. It had used balloons to make animals and hats for Hidan and the children his father called his 'friends'. Hidan's twelfth birthday had been the happiest day of his life.

And now he was forced to relive it, in nightmare after nightmare, whenever Jashin was displeased with him.

After the clown, Hidan had begun trying to kill himself in earnest. He had discovered Jashin, Lord of Suffering, and prayed for release from life, from the memories of happiness that clouded his mind to the truth: Life was pain. If Hidan couldn't even hold on to that, if the pain failed him, how could he deserve to live?

So Hidan tried his hardest to serve Jashin. When he stopped feeling pain himself, he became a ninja so he could bring pain to others. When the other ninja of his village disciplined him for his tactics, he ran away. Couldn't they understand that he was trying to bring truth to the world, to the lives of those he killed? And then even killing wasn't enough. What pain was there in death? Hidan had to HURT. He prayed to Jashin daily, sometimes hourly, and asked for the strength to bring pain to the world. And Jashin granted that prayer. Hidan learned to use his own body as a conduit to bring pain to others. But through it all, he was haunted by clowns.

Even the physical transformations Jashin's rituals effected made him look like a clown. It made him happy, and it crushed his soul.

Then, finally, Hidan had found the Akatsuki. They hadn't shared Hidan's understanding of pain, or of Jashin's glory, but they had their own thirst for suffering. Hidan was more than happy to help. But he had been paired with that foul, base Kakuzu. Kakuzu didn't understand anything. All he cared about was money. For him, pain mattered as little as pleasure. Kakuzu could never understand Jashin.

The sound of Hidan's footsteps echoed through the chamber, and was answered by a small rustle from the bed. Hidan froze, a sense of dread filling the pit of his stomach.

"What are you doing, Hidan?" The voice was a low drawl, irritated.

"...nothing."

"You had the dream again, didn't you?"

"...yes." Shame filled Hidan, and he felt his skin heating.

"Are you happy?"

"...yes." And his skin felt like it was on fire. Happy? How could he ever let himself be happy? Tears poured down Hidan's cheeks.

There was a pause. The voice didn't respond. Hidan began to chant to himself, calling for Jashin. _Give me pain. Give me suffering. Give me death. Just don't give me this._

"...Fine," the voice rasped from the bed. "You're no good to me if you're happy. Come back to bed, and I'm taking your share of the next bounty we collect." Another noise, like a snake uncoiling, grated in Hidan's ears.

Relief swept through Hidan, bringing with it still more shame. He turned back to the bed and climbed in obediently. "I hate you, Kakuzu. I hate everything about you."

"I know. This could never work otherwise." The gravelly voice sounded almost amused. Hidan drew his breath to reply, but the words were ripped away when the pain started.


	22. It's Legal in Amsterdam

**Title**: It's Legal in Amsterdam  
**Rating**: PG-13 for language and drug use - again  
**Characters**: The Dog, the Deer, and the Fox. And a special guest.  
**Word count**: 671  
**Summary**: Some missions end better than others.

* * *

"Yo! Dude! What up?" 

"Duuuude, have you seen that Temari chick? She is, like, SOOO hot."

Shikamaru swung the chair around backwards and fell into it, draping his arms over the backboard.

Kiba laughed loudly and rolled his eyes. "Temari? Man, you have GOT to be kidding me. Have you seen her hair?"

"Shut it, dude. Her hair rocks." Shikamaru aimed a swift kick at Kiba's shins, under the table.

"Owwww! Hey, man, that's not cool!"

"Whatever. Where'd Naruto go, anyway?"

The door to the basement room swung open, framing a figure through the haze. The figure coughed, stepped inside, and pulled the door closed behind him.

"Daaang, dude. Think you've smoked enough of it yet?" Naruto coughed again as he pulled a stool to the table, to join Kiba and Shikamaru.

Kiba laughed loudly. "No WAY. There's a TON of this shit!"

"Where'd you score it, anyway?" Shikamaru asked.

"Oh, me an' Hinata were out on a mission. An' Shino. We were supposed to be protecting some dude from the mist country. Anyway, these punks came after him. I don't know what their problem was. They couldn't fight worth crap anyway, sure weren't no ninja. But they had a LOAD of this stuff on them. I figured you guys'd probably like it, so I swiped it." Kiba flashed a toothy smile.

"And Shino and Hinata just LET you?" Shikamaru asked incredulously.

"Oh, Shino was all for turning it over. Doin' what's proper, y'know. Hinata didn't care as long as I promised to give her half."

"You WHAT!?" Shikamaru and Naruto yelled, at precisely the same moment.

"She digs the stuff, dudes. You don't know what that girl is like."

("Jinx," Naruto muttered at Shikamaru.)

("Che. Fine. I'll buy you a coke.")

("Score!")

"Dudes, are you even listening to me?"

Naruto turned back around to face Kiba. "Oh. What? Something about Hinata?"

"Yeah, man. She is WILD! And she's so got a thing for you. If you weren't so hung up on Sakura, man..."

Shikamaru gave Naruto a level look. "Dude, he's right. The girl is hot."

"You think everyone is hot, Deer Boy. I swear, I'll bet you even think Ino is hot." Kiba rolled his eyes again.

"Duuude, she IS! Have you even LOOKED at her?"

Kiba opened his mouth to reply, but stopped when the door to the room crashed open., revealing a taller outline.

"What is going on here?"

"Oh, CRAP," Naruto whispered. "It's Kakashi-sensei. We are SO dead."

The figure in the doorframe coughed. It closed the door and strode forward toward the table.

Naruto tried to edge back, but toppled off his stool. Kiba rose halfway to his feet, looking ready to run. Shikamaru sat with a bored expression on his face, his eyes fixed on the approaching figure.

"Naruto? Is that you down there?" The looming shape resolved itself into the white-haired, cover-eyed Kakashi.

"SHIIIIT!! Kakashi-sensei! It's Kiba's, it's all his! Don't kill me!"

Kiba sank back into his chair, shooting a hateful look at Naruto. "Man, if Kakashi doesn't kill you, I'm SO gonna do it myself."

Shikamaru simply glanced up at the older man, his eyes a little narrower. "Yo, dude. What up?"

Kakashi coughed again. "Yo, Shika. This really Kiba's bud?"

"Word, man. All Kiba's."

"Sweet. Okay, Kiba, here's the drill. I heard Gai's out looking for some 'special stamina incense'. You know how he's into all that crazy new-age shit. So I'm gonna get some for him. If you hook me up..." Kakashi held up three fingers.

Kiba stared at Kakashi incredulously. "If I HOOK YOU UP!?"

Kakashi nodded. "Yeah, dude. IF, here's the deal. One, I don't turn you in." Kakashi lowered one of his fingers.

Kiba's eyes widened in surprise. "SWEET!"

"Two, I let you guys watch."

Shikamaru smiled to himself. "You can't say that's not a good deal, dude."

Naruto sat up and moaned, rubbing his head. "Daaaaang, man. I've majorly got the munchies. What's number three, Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi smiled brightly. "Three, I take you all out for Ichiraku Ramen."


	23. No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition

**Title**: No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Characters**: Konohamaru and the Torquemada Crew  
**Word count**: 1080  
**Summary**: Konohamaru has something that everybody wants.

* * *

Konohamaru awoke to darkness. He was sitting, probably on a wooden chair given the hardness of the seat beneath him. His legs and torso were lashed to the chair, and his hands bound behind its back. Konohamaru squirmed, trying to work his wrists free of the ropes, but they held no slack. Whoever had done this to him was clearly a professional. 

With a loud click, a large halogen spotlight blazed to life in front of him. The beam was pointed at his face, making it impossible to see. Konohamaru's muscles tensed in surprise, and the chair should have rocked back, perhaps even toppled. It didn't. Maybe it was nailed to the floor.

A silky female voice emerged from the darkness beyond the lamp. "You're sure he's secure? There is no chance of him escaping?" The woman's tone was strange, hints of command mixed with diffidence. She sounded young, too; no more than twenty. Konohamaru wasn't sure, but he thought he might have heard the voice before.

Another voice answered, also female. "Yes, Mistress, he is secure."

"And we have the necessary tools?"

A third woman spoke. "Yeah, sure. But I don't see why you're insisting on all this secrecy, H-"

"SILENCE! We cannot allow him to know our names. Not until he is completely in our power." Konohamaru was sure he knew that voice, was sure he knew all the voices. He just couldn't seem to remember.

A pale hand thrust into the light, holding a sheaf of photographs. "Now, Konohamaru. Do you recognize any of the ninja in these pictures?" It was one of the three voices, but Konohamaru couldn't decide which.

Konohamaru tried to lean forward, but was stopped by the chair. He strained his neck, trying to look at the photos in front of him. The first one was easy. "Yeah, I know him, but why should I tell y-"

Something cracked against the back of his head, bringing a yell of surprise. Whatever that was, it had hurt. Well, if he really did know the women behind these voices, whoever they were, it was probably okay if he cooperated. A little. Especially if it saved him being hit again. "Oww. Fine, fine. That's Naruto-niichan. Everybody knows him. I don't know why you have to show me a picture."

Another pale hand appeared for a moment to move that picture to the back, revealing a new ninja. "And this one?" That was a different voice, Konohamaru was sure. They must be taking turns speaking, hoping to keep him off guard.

"Uhh… I'm not sure on that one…. Is that Sasuke-sempai? I haven't seen him in three or four years, so I'm not sure."

"Put that one aside," one of the voices said. "This is hardly going to be worth the trouble if he can't remember Sasuke. And I want better results than what he showed earlier." That was the one who had challenged the leader.

"Yeah," agreed another voice. Konohamaru thought it was a fourth woman. How many people were in on this? "We'll just have to make sure he relearns that image."

His head hurt, but Konohamaru tried to focus his thoughts. Four women, no names. He had to keep them straight somehow. Leader, Servant, Challenger, and Fourth. That would do for now.

"Enough," the leader snapped. The top photo changed again. "And this?"

The photos kept coming, ninja after ninja. Neji, Shikamaru, Sai, Kankuro, Rock Lee, Gaara, Chouji. Then the teachers as well: Kakashi, Yamato, Iruka, Gai, Ebisu, others. When all the photos had been shown, they began again, making him stare at them longer and longer.

"Don't you think that's enough yet? If he doesn't know them now, he'll never learn them." The challenger.

"She's right, Mistress. I think he's ready." The servant.

"All right, all right," the leader sighed petulantly. "Give him the serum."

A hand reached around and clamped against Konohamaru's chin. A needle flashed out of the darkness, stabbing into his neck and injecting a pale green fluid. The liquid burned in his veins. Only the hand holding his jaw closed kept Konohamaru from screaming.

The pain began to ebb, slowly. A part of Konohamaru's mind noted that his willpower, his emotions flowed away at the same time.

The spotlight flicked off and fluorescent overhead lights came on, revealing a large basement room and four young women standing in a line.

"What did you do that for, Sakura," Hinata shouted. "He can see us now!"

"Oh, relax. I told you that serum was fast-acting. He won't remember any of this tomorrow morning." Sakura rolled her eyes in exasperation. "I don't know why I even invited you three."

"I want to see Neji and Gaara, Mistress!" Tenten chimed up from where she stood behind Hinata's shoulder.

"Shut it, Tenten." Ino tapped her foot impatiently. "Everyone gets her turn, and I wanna go first. I say Sasuke and Shikamaru."

The two argued for a few seconds, and even Hinata started to chime in before Sakura quashed it all with one echoing bellow. "All of you, stop it. This was my idea, and you should just be glad I invited you. Hinata, I'm tired of you trying to take over. Tenten, if you don't stop calling Hinata 'Mistress', I swear I'm going to kick you so hard you won't even LIKE boys anymore. And Ino…. You just stand there and be quiet, or I'll kill you where you stand." The other three girls froze, slightly fearful looks glazing their eyes.

Sakura nodded approvingly, and walked over to the chair. She pulled out a kunai and slashed the ropes holding Konohamaru's legs and chest, and then the ones binding his wrists. She smiled warmly.

"Okay, now, Konohamaru, there's a little favor I want you to do. You'd like to do a favor for me, wouldn't you?" She gave him a small smile, red just touching her cheeks.

Konohamaru nodded blissfully. Anything to make Sakura happy.

The smile on Sakura's face warmed. "Good, then! Now, do you remember that new technique you showed off in the street yesterday? The… uh… boy-on-boy illusion technique?" The blush came back, a little brighter.

"Of course I remember, Sakura!"

Sakura ruffled his hair playfully. "Perfect. Well, then, how about you start by showing us what it would look like if… Naruto and Sasuke were… umm, y'know… …together?" Her face turned positively crimson with the request.

Konohamaru smiled as his hands began working the seals. Anything to make Sakura happy.


	24. Phase Two?

**Title**: Phase Two?  
**Rating**: PG-13 for minor language  
**Characters**: RAFO (Read and find out)  
**Word Count**: 624  
**Summary**: The Akatsuki had the right idea, but Sasuke can do them one better.  
**Author's Notes**: This relies heavily on Manga chapters 346-348 (the three immediately following the showdown between Sasuke and Orochimaru), so if you aren't up-to-date through them, this may not make a lot of sense to you.

* * *

He had Suigetsu. He had Karin. With the acquisition of its last member, Sasuke's team would be complete. 

It was a simple plan, really. He had gotten the idea from listening to Orochimaru's stories about his time in the Akatsuki. Sasuke might hate the organization his brother Itachi belonged to, if not quite as much as he hated Itachi himself, but only a fool would deny that they were competent and capable. The Akatsuki were well on their way to completing Phase One of their plan, collecting all the tailed demons. Sasuke had always been privy to even Orochimaru's most sensitive reports, and word was that they had captured two more of the tailed demons very recently. That left only a few more before their objective was complete. Naruto's body housed one of those, but Sasuke hardly spared a thought for the brat who had always chased him around. Naruto was no part of Sasuke's own plans.

Phases Two and Three of the Akatsuki plan were well-outlined too. The Akatsuki were bent on using control of the nine forces known as the tailed demons to control all war, and thus the economies of every nation, and through this power, which they would use to control the world. An ambitious plan to be sure, but one that Sasuke could respect. Aside from the fact that the Akatsuki included his damn brother, anyway.

"Yo, Sasuke! Where are we goin' now?"

Sasuke turned to see Suigetsu staring at him, flashing those teeth of his. "Now we go to the north base and get Juugo."

"And then what, Sasuke-kun?" Karin's voice dripped honey, as long as she wasn't shooting jealous glares at Suigetsu.

No need for them to know that, yet. Each member of Sasuke's new team had special talents, though. Talents that were crucial to the success of his new mission. Suigetsu, now lugging around that giant sword, was the heir to Momoichi Zabuza in more ways than one. He shared the man's talent with water ninjutsu. He shared some of the man's reckless abandon as well, and his cold ruthlessness when it came to using other people.

Karin was special in her own way. She had a fastidious personality, bordering on neurotic at times, that had made her one of Orochimaru's better administrators. She had other talents as well, but the same traits that had led Orochimaru to choose her as the head of his southern base were the ones Sasuke wanted now. She really was a necessary part of his plan.

And then there was Juugo. Juugo was insane, to be sure. Orochimaru wouldn't have kept him locked up all these years if Juugo hadn't shown himself unable to follow even the simplest order, time and again. But the man had a particular breed of madness, a type of rambling stream-of-consciousness insanity, that was actually very much in accord with Sasuke's plans.

In his time with Orochimaru, Sasuke had formed a strategy to rival that of the Akatsuki both in its deviousness and its ingenuity. Phase Three of both plans was the same - when wasn't it? - ruling the world. Sasuke just had a different way of getting there.

Phase One of Sasuke's plan was even simpler than the Akatsuki plan - gathering these three individuals for his team. With Sasuke's own cool demeanor, and his obvious status as a teen heartthrob, he and the other three would form the perfect cast of a weekly one-hour network dramedy. About the personal lives of ninjas, of course. And from that, he would rule the world!

It was a plan only Orochimaru's successor could have dreamed up, Sasuke thought with pride. But damn it, he still hadn't quite figured out what to do for Phase Two.


	25. The Secret Life of Snakes

**Title**: The Secret Life of Snakes  
**Rating**: PG-13 for mild language  
**Characters**: Read the title  
**Word count**: 730  
**Summary**: Some things just refuse to die.  
**Author's Notes**: This chapter contains spoilers up through chapter 356 of the manga. It also includes some dreaded continuity with previous chapters. You've been warned.

_

* * *

_

Orochimaru felt his eye twitch. Well, he felt AN eye twitch. He could no longer be sure whose eye it was. His hands itched to wring Sasuke's neck. Or Kabuto's. But he didn't really have any control over hands anymore.

_Damn it. That stupid, ungrateful brat, Sasuke. I was going to join with him. I was going to finally have that fricking sharingan._

The eye twitched again. Orochimaru checked, just to be sure. No, there was no sharingan in that eye. Where WAS he?

_Why couldn't you be more like Kimimaro, Sasuke? Kimimaro loved me. Kimimaro understood me. Kimimaro was looking forward to being my new host. Damn it, Sasuke. You two had so much in common. Why not this?_

There were noises around him. Orochimaru could almost make out the words being said, but his control was weak in this body, whatever body it was. His control should have been absolute. He had entered Sasuke's body, he remembered that much. But…. Orochimaru's memories were fuzzy after that. Had Sasuke stopped him somehow? That should have been impossible. He had researched possession techniques for years. There should have been no escape, once he was lodged in Sasuke's mind.

"…Sasuke"

One word, slipping through the fog. The sound had a harsh rasp to it, but it pulled Orochimaru's attention like a lodestone. Where had it come from? Someone his body was talking to? No, his body had said the name. A string of obscenities flooded Orochimaru's mind. This wasn't Sasuke's body. All the evidence pointed that way. And that meant it had to be Kabuto.

Orochimaru hated Kabuto.

Of course, leave it to that sycophant medical ninja Kabuto to find some way to preserve his conscience, and at the same time to… to CASTRATE him so thoroughly. Orochimaru should have killed him years ago. Was Orochimaru in Kabuto's body, then? No, Kabuto had never been the sort to accept possession. He would have desired Orochimaru's power, but surely he wouldn't risk letting Orochimaru's consciousness gain strength in his own mind and subvert his will. Orochimaru must be somewhere else. Perhaps Kabuto had done some sort of test to explore moving Orochimaru's consciousness?

Focusing all his mental strength, Orochimaru tried to increase his control over this host vessel. He had to know where he was, what sort of host he'd been given. Start with the ears. His body had been talking about Sasuke, hadn't it? Maybe if he could hear more….

With painful slowness, Orochimaru felt the sounds of the shadow-world where his consciousness dwelled fade, replaced with a low humming. Yes, he could hear the world, faintly. There was a gravelly murmuring, as of voices all around him. They seemed to be chanting, over and over again. Orochimaru strained further, trying to make out the word.

"Sa-su-ke. Sa-su-ke. Sa-su-ke."

Not only his voice? What was this? It made no sense. But the power of that name….

Sasuke had been Orochimaru's dream, ever since he realized he was incapable of taking Itachi's body. Any Uchiha would do, really. But Sasuke was to have been his masterpiece.

As his thoughts wandered, Orochimaru forced his focus onto the eyes of his host. Gray haze greeted him, like static. He needed more control.

_Sasuke. Sasuke had everything I needed. A nubile young body. A talent for ninjutsu rarely seen. And that sharingan._

The grayness receded slowly. There were shapes around him, strange shapes. They looked like towering bushes, but not bushes. Yucca plants? They seemed to have spines like a yucca, anyway. But they moved. Plants didn't move….

_I need that sharingan, damn it. There's no way I can get back at Kakashi unless I have a sharingan of my own. I can't believe how much money he tricked me out of with that thing, telling me it was always my turn to pay for dinner. He knows almost as many techniques as I do. His defenses are too strong. If I don't have the sharingan, I'll never be able to get my revenge!_

The scene around Orochimaru resolved, slowly. Spiny and brown. Certainly not plants, then. With… eyes? All the spiny things had eyes. Eyes with vertical slits, just like his own.  
No. No, Kabuto wouldn't have. He couldn't have.

_Damn you, Kabuto! You were supposed to use the porcupine army to get me that shampoo I liked!_


	26. For Demonstration Purposes Only

**Title**: For Demonstration Purposes Only  
**Rating**: PG  
**Characters**: Iruka-sensei and students  
**Word Count**: 1073  
**Summary**: Plushies are for demonstration purposes only.  
**Author's Notes**: Teaching Japanese schoolkids is a lot like teaching ninja-brats.

* * *

"Today's lesson is about Konoha's great families, the clans that make up the core of our strength as ninja." Iruka accidentally let his voice slip into a lecturing tone, and watched the eyes of the academy boys and girls glass over. This was important information. Didn't these kids understand that? Why did he always feel so much like a babysitter? Forcing cheerfulness into his tone, he asked, "Can anyone name any of those clans for me?"

Silence answered him. As usual. One of the girls in the front row began picking her nose. He forged ahead, pretending that they were excited to be here learning.

"Now the greatest of those clans was the Uchiha clan. They were founded by… does anyone know?" A spitwad hit one of the boys in the back of the head, and he turned around to throw an eraser at the boy who had shot it.

"That's right, Uchiha Madara." Iruka brought out his secret weapon for the day's lesson. He reached into the sack that sat on a chair hidden behind his desk and pulled out a large plush figure meant to represent Uchiha Madara. It had spiky hair made of felt, a suit of lacquered arm (also made of felt), and startlingly red eyes painted with the distinctive three-dot pattern of the sharingan.

Suddenly, he had the attention of all his students. Coos whispered through the room from some of the girls, who sat in rapt admiration of the rare Uchiha Madara plushie that Iruka had displayed.

"My daddy has one of those," a girl in the back piped up. "He says they're really hard to find. Aren't they worth, like, a whole lot of money now? They haven't made them in decades!"

Iruka ignored her. "Now, Uchiha Madara had a younger brother…" Another plushie came out of the sack – this one a simple Sasuke plushie that Iruka had modified by changing its clothes and giving it a new hairstyle. Nobody really knew much about Madara's brother, and to Iruka's knowledge there had never been a plushie edition that included him, so Iruka had to make due with what he had.

"Hey… that's cheating, that's just a Sasuke you messed around with. I got one 'o him at home," a pale-skinned, dark-haired boy piped up to the back. He stuck out his tongue at Iruka. The boy had an exceptionally long tongue. Iruka shuddered. He always got the strange ones.

"Madara and his brother were both very powerful ninja. They organized the Uchiha clan into what it is today, and they formed an alliance with the Senju clan of the forest. This alliance led to what we now know as Konoha-gakure, our beautiful city."

One by one, Iruka trotted out his Uchiha clan plushies. Many of them were made from alterations on the more popular plushie lines like Sasukes and Itachis, but he had a real Obito and he had real plushies of Sasuke's parents, who had been great ninjas in their day.

Finally, the most important part of the story. "Then, about seven years ago, Uchiha Itachi murdered everyone else in the Uchiha clan. Everyone except for his brother Sasuke." Iruka demonstrated, only to keep the kids' attention of course, letting the little plushie Itachi meticulously go through all the other plushies and kill them. He provided appropriate sound effects. For demonstration purposes only, of course. As they died, he returned the plushies to the sack behind his desk.

"Now, when Uchiha Sasuke joined team-" One of the students was raising his hand. "Yes, what is it Shouta?"

"Umm, Iruka-sensei, Kanako and her friends just snuck behind your desk and stole all the toys in your bag."

"They are NOT toys, Shouta. They are purely for demonstration purp-- They did what?" Iruka looked around, shocked, and saw that the girls had indeed snuck behind him and stolen the plushies out of the sack. Now they were sitting in a circle on the floor playing with them.

"Girls, girls, those aren't toys. Could you please put them back so we can continue the lesson?" The girls squealed, but didn't get up to return Iruka's plushies. Irritated, he walked over to them and held out his hand to collect the plush figurines.

"We were only playing house, Iruka-sensei," Kanako said. "They ARE all one big family, right? That's what you said, right? So it makes sense to play house with them. See, this one's the mommy Uchiha and this one's the daddy Uchiha, and…"

The look on Iruka's face brooked no nonsense. Reluctantly, the girls returned his plushies and went back to their seats. Iruka walked back and dropped the plushies into the sack he had brought. But now Itachi and Sasuke were missing from where he had left them on the desk. He spun angrily and looked for whoever had taken them.

"I want my Sasuke and my Itachi back now! Those are my personal-- How am I supposed to demonstrate any of this if I don't have plu… If I don't have models?"

"I'm sorry, Iruka-sensei," one of the girls piped up. "They were just kissing. I mean, they're awfully lonely, aren't they, since they're the last two Uchihas left. They just need somebody to love." She demonstrated, holding up the two plushies and touching their faces together.

Something snapped in Iruka. He ran to the girl and tried to take hold of the plushies. "Don't do that! Sasuke doesn't kiss Itachi! Sasuke likes girls!" Iruka snarled. "Give them here!"

Reluctantly, the girl returned the plushies to her teacher and Iruka walked back to the front of the class. "Sasuke and Itachi do NOT kiss, okay? They fight! Like this!" Iruka proceeded to demonstrate with the plushies. Chibi-Sasuke and Chibi-Itachi traded kicks and jabs, and Iruka provided the sound effects. The students squealed with pleasure, but Iruka was too far gone now.

Chibi-Sasuke punted Chibi-Itachi so hard he went flying into the first row of students. Iruka helped Chibi-Sasuke do his victory dance, before stowing him in the sack with… with…

"WHERE IS MY UCHIHA MADARA!?"

Another one of the girls raised her hand sheepishly.

"TELL ME," Iruka shouted at her.

Tears welled up in her eyes. "Umm… Sensei…. Itachi looked lonely after Sasuke kicked him, so… so he and Madara are making out in the back of the room right now. They've been through so much. Can't you just let them enjoy themselves," she sobbed.


	27. Things to Do in Konoha When You're Dead

**Title**: Things to Do in Konoha When You're Dead  
**Rating**: PG-13 or above, for Jiraiya doing what he does best  
**Characters**: Jiraiya + some  
**Word Count**: 916  
**Summary**: Tsunade's life will never be peaceful again.  
**Author's Notes**: Ever see the movie Ghost? ('cause actually, I didn't) Also, spoilers for manga chapter 382, though if you've read this far, you've probably already been spoiled. Sorry. Guess maybe next time you should keep up with the manga, shouldn't you?

* * *

Jiraiya was dead, and he wasn't very happy about it.

Aside from all the pain involved with dying, there was the fact that he would never get to properly say goodbye to Naruto. He would never get to write his masterpiece, "Icha-Icha Heaven". He would never get to enjoy another sip of sake. He would never get to relax in another onsen.

And worst of all, he would never have a chance to feel Tsunade's glorious assets.

Then again… he was able to think about these things, wasn't he? Maybe that meant he was some kind of a ghost. Jiraiya considered this briefly – briefly because consideration was never something he was very good at. Finally, realizing that thinking about it was getting him nowhere (which was where he already was) he tried actually going somewhere.

_Pop!_

Jiraiya found himself suddenly standing on the main street of Konoha, leading up to the Hokage's complex. A beautiful woman walked right through him, and Jiraiya blinked in confusion. He looked around. No one on the street appeared to see him. Jiraiya tried to poke at one of the passers-by, but his hand slid right through them.

The banner announcing Ichiraku Ramen hung over a building just to his left. With a sigh, Jiraiya walked through the crowd on the street (quite literally) and took an empty seat inside. Just to be polite.

He sat, brooding for a while. What good was it to be back if he couldn't do any of the things he wanted to do? Oh, sure, he could see and hear things, but he couldn't interact.

A bottle of sake sat on the counter in front of him, opened but unattended where the shopkeeper had left it after pouring for someone else. Jiraiya grabbed for it, and… Huh? His hand passed right through it, but the bottle moved just a little.

Could it be? He tried again, concentrating his chakra into his fingertips, or what he perceived as his fingertips anyway. And suddenly, the bottle felt solid in his grasp. All those years of ninja training did pay off in the end!

_Wonder how far can I take this_, he thought to himself. Focusing his chakra on his tongue as well, Jiraiya tipped the bottle back and drank from it. The delicious taste of sake filled his head, even as the liquid washed through his immaterial body and drenched the barstool beneath him. _That reminds me, how is it that I'm sitting?_ Jiraiya discarded the thought at once. What did it really matter? He had sake! Jiraiya ignored the screams of the other patrons as a large sake bottle levitated itself out the door.

Chakra. Brilliant. Now, suddenly, all the things on Jiraiya's list were back within his reach. What to tackle first? Well, writing would be a hard one. Jiraiya still hadn't found a good story for "Icha-Icha Heaven", so that one went on the back burner. How about Naruto?

The fox-faced boy was easy enough to find, sitting in his apartment and eating instant ramen. Jiraiya sat down in a chair by the porch, ignoring the pile of clothes he was sitting in. He focused his chakra in his vocal chords.

"Naruto! Why aren't you out training?"

"AAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!!" Naruto jumped, spilling the hot noodles all over himself. He stared around wide-eyed, and then dropped into a hunted crouch and bounded out onto the porch, jumping to the next rooftop to get away from the voice in his apartment.

"Okay, that could have been handled a bit better, I suppose," Jiraiya said out loud. He shrugged his non-existent shoulders. Well, there would be plenty of time to talk to Naruto later, he supposed. Jiraiya wasn't going anywhere.

What else had been on that list? Oh, yes, onsen and Tsunade.

Onsen and Tsunade. Onsen and Tsunade. It hit Jiraiya like a hammer. He was a ghost. No one could see him. He could manipulate his chakra to allow him to touch things, feel things, as he wanted. He ran to the Hokage's complex as fast as he could.

When he arrived, he went straight to the women's baths. He knew right where they were, of course. He slipped inside to find it crowded with nubile young bodies. Nubile young bodies without a stitch of clothing. His mouth split into an enormous grin.

And there was Tsunade herself, relaxing in one of the deep baths. Ignoring his clothes, because they weren't really there anyway, Jiraiya climbed into the bath with her and sent threads of chakra webbing through his skin to let him experience the warm ecstasy of the onsen. Then, he began focusing chakra into his fingertips.

By the time she finally climbed out of the onsen, Tsunade's eyes were fixed in a wide-eyed stare, and her body was trembling from head to foot.

That night, Jiraiya crossed the last regret off his list. He went to visit Kakashi in his room. Kakashi had never trained with Jiraiya directly, but the hermit still felt a special affinity for the man. Kakashi had been the greatest student of the Namikaze Minato, the fourth Hokage, who had in turn been Jiraiya's greatest student of the time. Minato's son Naruto was student to both of them, of course. And in the most important arena of his life, writing, Jiraiya truly had no greater fan or protégé than Hatake Kakashi.

He knew the story of "Icha-Icha Heaven" now. And he knew JUST who was going to write it for him.


End file.
